Friday, October 19, 2007

She's gone. My sweet kitty of the past 10 years & 8 months is gone from this earth. She was 20 years old this past April.

The word "devastated" does not even begin to describe how I feel. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worse enemy. It feels like "fight or flight", but you can't do either.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

I swear, marriage is give and take. Marriage is compromise. Marriage has its ups and downs. I learn more about it all the time. If people treat marriage like a relationship then yeah---when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I don't look at marriage that way. Nobody is perfect, and I believe that marriages go through stages where you get along better or worse. However, as long as you love each other and keep that in focus, I truly believe that everything will be okay in the long run.

Marriage is like an investment in fact. When I was doing my 401-K stuff yesterday at work, I was reminded of that whole high risk vs low risk depending on how many years that you have until retirement. Marriage is like that....and it's a high risk, agressive stock. There's a potential for big losses and big gains, but, over time, it's uphill, baby.

(excerpt from a discussion with a friend)

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Good news!

We just got home from the vet, and Nikki's retinas appear to be reattaching. The vet said that she totally expects her to regain her sight. I cannot believe it! I am so happy.

Also, Nikki's blood pressure dropped from the horrible 240 on Thursday to 180 today....which is still high, but much better. We are doubling her dose of amlodipine, and she has another appt next Saturday for a recheck.
Well, no real change with Nikki yet. Sometimes it seems like maybe she is seeing more movement or recognizing faster where we are in the room. Then again, it could either be our imagination/wishiful thinking or just her amazing feline ability to adapt and fake it. For the most part she has just gone on about her business in spite of this blindness until last night.

Last night, she cried out for me from the bedroom, a different cry than I've heard from her before. I picked her up and brought her back to the den with us, and she continued to soulfully cry in my arms. It didn't seem to be pain nor did it seem to be confusion. I have to wonder if she's just sad. Sad that she can't see.....or hear. Then a short while later, she got sick a bit which is no surprise since the vet told me to give her her subcu fluids a day the old girl was a bit dehydrated and the acid reflux kicked in. I concluded that the crying had been related to not feeling good after all.

Unfortunately, the soulful crying seems to be a trend. She cried out to me from her food bowl as we got into bed. I gently blew in her direction (so she'd know where I was), and she came on over and settled down for sleep. However, she cried out in the night a lot for no apparent reason.....and she didn't appear to be in any pain, just some sort of unrest. Finally, I brought the heating pad to bed with us, and that definitely helped because I didn't hear a peep out of her after that.

It's weird, but she's been strangely quiet since Wednesday night when this all started. I'm guessing that if you're a cat in the wild and you can't hear nor see then you don't make a lot of noise so as to not draw attention to yourself. However, now that a few days have passed, she's figured out that if she cries out then Mom & Dad come running.

Her appetite is great, and she's doing all her normal things.....except that I don't think she walks around the house near as much (which wasn't a lot) as she did when she could see. She mainly stays in the bedroom in her bed, but we bring her into the den with us in the evenings.

We have a followup appt with the vet today to check her blood pressure again. I am so hopeful that the vet will see improvement in her eyes, but I don't know if any change could be detected at this point. It's only been 3 days.

I am so scared that this is the beginning of the end. I am so scared that she won't recover from this, and that her quality of life will take a nosedive. I'm not ready for this. I never will be. She is my child. I know that a lot of people can't understand that, but she is. I just can't imagine life without her. Instead of enjoying each day that I have with her, I am always so freaking worried about losing her. What fun is that? Why can't I just take it one day at a time? My evil mind can concoct all these awful scenarios of her dying, finding her dead, life without her, etc. Cruel thoughts, get out of my head.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Today, I'm home with Nikki. When I got home about 7:30 last night, she couldn't see me. Her wide-eyed stare looked right past me, and she startled when I touched her. She could see light and some movement if it had color contrast, but she was blind. I did a quick google search and learned that sudden blindness is often high blood pressure so I gave her a dose of her old meds. Her pupils were HUGE (another symptom), and it was really sad to see her try to find her way around. She stepped right off the side of the bed. Later she walked right into me and also got lost in the den.

At the vet this morning, my hunch was correct.....high blood pressure. The doctor said that even for a "stressed" cat, her blood pressure was very high. (If someone shaved your tail and wrapped a cuff around it, you would be stressed too.) Plus, the doctor could see "it" in her eyes too....the pressure, I guess. We won't know for a week or so whether the blindness is permanent. :(

Anyway, I'm staying home with her so she doesn't hurt herself. I can't imagine not being able to see nor hear. The vet said that I was very smart to give her a dose of her blood pressure med last night. However, I can't help feeling the guilt of any normal parent for taking her off her blood pressure meds. However, when you have an ornery 20 yo cat, you can't give them every medicine on the planet. It's kind of a give & take. Nikki takes a liquid daily to, constipation, and she gets her subcutaneous fluids every 3 days. Everything you do to her is a drama (cut nails, clean ears, brush her under parts, etc.). You have to find that balance between doing what you can to help her, but not doing so much that she's miserable and hides from you constantly. I stopped doing the blood pressure meds a few months ago, and I discussed it with the vet when she went in a few weeks ago for coughing/wheezing. Basically, I took a chance on stopping her meds because, having only had her blood pressure checked once over a year ago, how reliable could the reading be after a year? Plus, to check the blood pressure is stressful to a cat so how accurate is the reading in the first place? It was a gamble, but then again it's all about give & take. (The coughing/wheezing was determined to be probably caused by acid reflux related to the kidney problem. Since then she's been taking a pill 2x day to calm her tummy, and it has definitely helped.)

So today at the vet, she got a shot of Lasix (diuretic) and two meds were called in. She's resting comfortably now, but I'm just waiting & praying for any sign that she can see me.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Today sucked. Our accounting system was down at work so I couldn't do any data entry today. By the early late afternoon, I was out of mind with boredom. I had played with the paper on my desk as much as I possibly could. On top of everything, I got to work and realized that I had PMS. Today, I hated the girls that I work with. On good days, I have good reason to hate them, but somehow I usually make it through the day with a smile on my face. I just tried to stay to myself today, but then that meant that I stayed in my head.....which wasn't a pleasant place to be today.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I was arranging the "linen closet" today, as my family always called it. Not sure if that's common or not. :P You know, the closet that you keep the towels, sheets, table cloths, etc in. Anyway, I came across Eomer's favorite afghan. His afghan was pink & burgandy, very loosely knitted, and a wedding present from a coworker. Eomer fell in love with it because he could literally burrow into it. The holes were big enough for him to crawl through. Finally, we quit keeping the afghan over the back of the couch. It was folded neatly in a corner of the den just for our bunky boy.

When he died in November, we simply put it away. I didn't want to wash it then because it was one of the only things left that we had that smelled like him. All these months that the afghan has been in the closet. Today, I took it out to refold it, and as I shook it out, I smelled Eomer. I shooked it out some more and pressed it to my face. I could still smell his musky, ferrrety scent. It made me cry and smile at the same time.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Reflections on my first season as a Caniac

As a very new hockey fan, I've had a lot to learn about hockey, the 'Canes, and sports in general this past season. I've never followed *any* sport religiously in my lifetime until now. Thanks to my Yankee hubby who first dragged my Southern butt to a game in 2002 and a few hockey games in the '05-'06 season, I'm hooked on hockey. We had season tickets this year in section 121 and will be returning next year.

And, no, I'm not a bandwagoner. This isn't a passing fancy for me. Yeah, so I first started to pay attention to the 'Canes during their Stanley Cup season, but that was purely coincidental. My husband had been saying for some time that he wanted to go to some 'Canes games, and I was, like, "whatever". My first hockey game ever was January 2002 when Francis was honored. I remember being struck by the insane love for this man that the audience displayed, but I was really lost trying to follow the game. I'm glad that I love my husband so much, or I probably wouldn't have gone to another game. Thanks to him, I gave hockey another chance during the Stanley Cup run, and I caught some of the fever. Now, after being a season ticket holder for the '06-'07 season, I am a full blooded Caniac.

Last night's game was such an awesome way to end the season. Of course, it would have been nicer to be headed to the playoffs, but at least we ended on a good note. My hubby & I stayed after the game (for the first time), hoping to get his jersey signed by Walker. Sadly, Walker was one of the players that drove on by last night. (We both love Walker and really hope that he plays for the 'Canes next year.) Meanwhile, Andrew got his new spiffy Chevy 'Canes hat signed by Vasicek, Cole, Commie, Ladd, Wesley, Brind'Amour, Laviolette, Wallin, Seidenberg, Whitney, & Tanabe. Of course, I was hoping to see my boy Staal, but he whizzed by as well. Honestly, I didn't get any autographs because it just didn't feel right. I can't tell you exactly under what circumstances it will feel right, but it wasn't last night freezing in a long line. I guess when I get an autograph, I hope to have time to feel like I actually get to meet/talk with the player. Last night seemed too much like an assembly line for my taste.

Standing back & a few feet away from the fans eager for autographs, I enjoyed hanging with my dear friend Bethe and seeing the players up close. Cole was sporting a sweet purple tie and I told him so which made him look all shy and say, "Oh, yeah. Thanks". I told Tanabe "thanks for your goals tonight". When Commie came by, I yelled to him that I wasn't a "hockey virgin" anymore, but he had no reaction. My husband said Commie didn't hear me, but the guy next to him did and said, "Heh. Yeah, good thing that Grahame didn't hear that. He'd fix that for you." Har har. Ray Whitney was last to come down the line, and the mostly quiet crowd errupted into a cheer of "Ray must stay! Ray must stay!". He was all humble and said that he'd may sure to tell Rutherford that we said that.

Being a season ticket holder is like a part-time job. There are a lot of regular season home games to go to between October & April. This season, there were 41 homes games, and I think I probably made it to 36 of those games. Most games were on weeknights it seemed so there were a lot of times that I left work and drove straight to our meeting place in the parking lot. When the weather got nice, we tailgated a few times....nothing too fancy, just beer and sandwiches. I think we need to buy a small grill for next year so we can cook up some burgers & veggie burgers.

Regardless of the time investment involved, I'm going to miss going to the games. It's going to be a long 5 1/2 months until the next 'Canes home game. In the meantime, there are always the playoffs. Thank God that I said yes when Andrew wanted to buy the 1/2 season of Center Ice channel.

Man, I'm going to miss those Mamma Mia's panzonis at the RBC too.

Go, 'Canes! I believe.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Did you know that your uvula can swell????

Yes, it can, and I learned the hard way yesterday. Despite the sound of the word, uvula is NOT a girly part. It's that little flap of skin that hangs down in the back of your throat. Heh. Everybody has a uvula.

I have allergies, and I guess I'm allergic to tree pollen. A week ago yesterday, I started getting sick. It trailed along through the week moving from my chest to my nose. I bought stock in Puffs, and I swear by Robitussin.

Anyway, this past weekend was totally shot because I felt like total crap. My hubby was out of town at a D&D con so my cat & I did a lot of laying around, watching tv, and lap-topping. When I got up Sunday morning, my throat felt really dry. After drinking water didn't alleviate the problem, I got a mirror to look at my throat.

ACK!!!! My uvula was HUGE!!!! It was bulbous and hanging down almost to my tongue. Yikes!!! I could feel it when I swallowed!!!!

"What's wrong with me?", I thought. "I'm having an allergic reaction, and it's going to swell so big that I'm going to choke."

Straight to the laptop I went and googled "swollen uvula". I found this site which was immediately helpful and comforting. Among the possible reasons for this condition, Allergies could have indeed caused it, or dehydration, or mouth breathing, or snoring. All four of those described me.

Regardless of my worse fears being debunked, I texted my hubby asking him if there was anyway that he could come home earlier than he had planned. Immediately, he called, and I told him all about my swollen uvula and that I just needed him to come home. Then, I think I had the closest thing to a panic attack that I've ever had. I was hyperventilating and I couldn't talk. My husband knows me well enough to know that my nerves were getting the best of me. He soothed my fears with calming words, and I finally got myself together. Then, he told me that he was already committed to playing until 6pm with a group that was counting on him.....well, counting on his character's abilities. :P I understood. Really, I did. I just wanted him to be home sooner than 9pm because I missed him. Oh, well....

I decided to call my mom & dad who live across town to take them up on their offer to bring over lunch. I had talked to my mom several times the day before, and she was chomping at the bit to *do* something. I think that woman would have brought me absolutely any food that I wanted. Honestly, I just didn't want to eat anything fancy, but I sure didn't want anything that I had in the house. I just wanted some veg soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, and some ice cream.

Before long, Mom & Dad arrived. I planted Dad on the couch in front of the tv and gave him the remote. Mom & I put together my lunch, and they even brought me fresh pineapple from Hawaii that my brother had just had shipped to Mom for her birthday. It was awesome. Despite my having a rocking headache, we had a nice visit. I showed Mom my uvula which had gone down somewhat from the ibuprophen & all the water that I drank.

I swear, I think Mom & Dad cured me. After they left, I progressively felt better, and, believe it or not, today I went to work and only had residual symptoms.

Oh, and my uvula's back to its normal size.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I have truly lost my Chucks-loving mind.

As someone who has slightly wide feet and an especially high instep, I got to where I didn't even try on shoes that weren't marked W or C. Of course, this has limited my shoe buying choices for about the past 15 years or so. Therefore, I had never had a pair of Converse All Stars aka Chuck Taylors.

Last summer I noticed one of the other roller girls changing into lo-top black Chucks after practice. I thought they looked really cute on her. It was also like I was seeing Chucks for the first time. Not long after, I was shopping in TJ Maxx when I found hi-top olive green Chucks with pink trim on sale for $19.99. Just for fun, I tried them on and the FIT!!!!!!!!!! It was love at first sight. They felt so good on my feet!

For several months, I was content to enjoy my one pair. Then one day, I decided that I needed a pair just to wear to the 'Canes games. You trek back and forth to the car from the RBC Center....especially through those stupid muddy parking lots. I found double tongue lo-tops in black with red accents on Zappos for $37, and they became my official game going sneaks.

Then, I really can't explain what happened. A few weekends ago, I found myself on Ebay & & & &, and now I have 3 more pairs and two on the way! I haven't paid over $30 (including shipping) for any, except one pair. 4 out of the 5 pairs came from Ebay and are either totally brand new with tags in the original box or only slightly worn. First came the virgin cranberry/parchment striped hi-tops from ($40).....then, the pink & green lo-tops slightly used from a lady in OR ($30.85).....then, the brand new chocolate brown hi-tops with a pink eyelet overlay from someone in Texas ($29.19).....the worn-once pale pink lo-tops with pale pink eyelet overlay are on the way from some lady whose daughter couldn't wear them ($19.25)....and I just won a pair of lo-top whites from a lady in Brevard NC for $18.50!!!

In a few short weeks, I went from 2 pairs of Chucks to 7 pairs of Chucks.

Love them!
Love them!
Love them!!!

I know that I'm not alone in my obsession. I don't feel bad about buying all of these either because...well, I'm not really a shopper-type so I don't spend a lot of money at the mall. Me? I love a bargain....and that's what I've been getting PLUS super comfie cool shoes.

Monday, January 29, 2007

I went to my first bellydance workshop in a YEAR this past weekend, and it felt like coming home. I really enjoyed myself and learned a super cool choreo from Blue Moon Dance Company. If I want to, I can perform it with the rest of the workshop attendants on Feb 10 at the Blue Moon hafla. Right now, I'm not pushing myself to do anything; I'll just wait and see how I feel. Luna & I have planned to get together and practice in the meantime.

In other news, I've contacted a local cat shelter to pursue volunteering there. I quit the SPCA early last year when I started derby because it conflicted with practice time. I've really missed hanging with kitties.....lots of kitties. I'll be going to the new shelter this week for a tour & training. I'm really excited because it sounds like this shelter will offer me more hands on experience.

Meanwhile, I miss skating. I really do, and it saddens me that I never passed level one nor did I ever scrimmage. I did have a good time though, and I built up some killer leg muscles like I'd never had before. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I wish that derby had been around when I was in my 20s....not that I don't think a 38/39 yo me couldn't ever do derby. Let's be honest.... I gave up on derby. However, I just feel like derby would have fit into my life better when I was younger, and the physical part wouldn't have been so challenging either. Oh, well.....I'll just have to be a derby queen in my next life.

Monday, January 01, 2007


I will be 40 years old this year, and my cat will turn 20. Weird.

It's hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I left my favorite job ever. Gone are the days of that comfortable job at which I excelled, among people that I knew well & mostly loved, and for a boss that I adored. A year ago, I was unemployed, and it took me nearly 2 mos to find a job. Strangely, I accepted a job as the sole accounts payable clerk for a small, but growing, company, and I had sworn after working at Hellhole Inc in 2000-2002 that I would NEVER do a/p again. Plus, the company is in Durham, and I said that I didn't want to fight 40 traffic after doing it for years in the '90s. Regardless, this job has turned out to be pretty damn good. I had my end of year review and got a glowing review and a huge bonus. I really like the people that I work with & for, and it feels more like a "work family" every day.

Shortly after 2006 started, I found derby and started skating with CRG on Feb 5th. I had some really good times, and I pushed myself harder physically than I ever have in my life. I was out to prove to myself that I could do it. I could be athletic again after sitting my fat ass at a desk all these years with light bellydancing on the side. Sadly, my life as a derby girl was short-lived. After many bitter disappointments and setbacks, my heart just wasn't in it any more. I still have to fight feeling like a failure for quitting, but I know every day that it was the right decision for me. And, I am forever grateful to those derby bitches who supported me & my decision and reminded me that, if I changed my mind, I could always come back and try out.

At the start of 2006, I finally became a vegetarian, after toying with the idea for years. It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be. I acknowledged to myself and others that this choice was a personal one and not one that others could judge me for. Therefore, on occasion, I did eat meat last year, but only 3x. Once was the first week of January when I attempted to make a vegetarian version of a chicken dish and failed, once was a can of chicken soup when I had bronchitis, and once was a sausage that I impulsively ate with friends at the beach. Not bad for a first year. I don't miss meat at all really.

I have some goals for this year:

1) I want to reach a healthy weight by the time that I turn 40 in November. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I know that it's possible.
2) I want to choose to use more cruelty-free products. It's going to take some research to determine which companies do NOT engage in / contribute to / benefit from animal testing.
3) I want for Andrew & I to see a financial planner to help us get on track to buy a house in the next few years and to secure our future together is comfortable.

Just some thoughts that I've having today. Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The other night as my husband & I left to go out to eat, he glanced across our backyard and said, "What the---?" Then, he told me not to look, to get in the car, and he'd tell me.

Our neighbors had a dead deer hanging in their backyard.

Now, first of all, I don't live in the country. I live on a major road downtown where the houses are old, and some are divided into apartments. The house next door where the deer was has 4 apartments, I believe. Second of all, I know that some of you know that I'm a pesca-vegetarian, but I've only been one for nearly a year. However, even if I was still eating meat, I would have found the site of a dead deer very upsetting. I'm just tenderhearted like that. Always have been.....which really is part of why I stopped eating anything with feet & fur.

Thanks to my husband, I did not see this poor creature hanging on the way out of the house that night nor on the way back in after dinner.

So here we are days later. I'm at home alone with my cat, and I slide her kitty tower over in front of the bedroom window so she can look out at the birds & squirrels. I glanced out the window to see what sites she may be able to take in, and there were two men right at the edge of our yard in the back. A split second later, I saw the deer. The image is burned in my mind. I would much rather have seen it the other night methinks when it still had fur & meat on it. What I saw this morning was like chicken bones.

Let me say here that I'm not judging meat eaters. Honestly. I'm really not judging hunters either. Someone has to kill the meat if meat eaters are going to eat it. My problem is with the meat industries inhumane conditions for the animals and horrific methods of slaughter......but that's another story. Today, I take issue with the fact that my neighbor has a dead deer carass hanging in his back yard within sight of my house. It's his right, yes, but it just seems a little barbaric.

When I see deer on the side of the road nibbling at grass, they are so incredibly beautiful. I couldn't imagine killing them. My deer viewing opportunites are few & far between because I'm always on the way somewhere when I see them. I would love to be able to just stop and watch them do their little deer thang.

It actually makes me sad when I see deer crossing signs. Do you know what that says to me? It says that we are taking away too much of the deers' homeland and pushing them into surburban areas that are unsafe for them. I don't know what the answer is. I'm certainly am no judge of how many more shopping centers, office buildings, neighborhoods, and apartment complexes we need in this area. But, if you look around, there is freaking construction everywhere. I drove to the 'Canes game last night from work and saw more construction in RTP, Morrisville, & Cary than you would believe. 55 is being widened. Entire forests are gone along Davis Drive and Old Chapel Hill Road. Lots of old homes sit up on blocks to be moved or sit abandoned, poised for destruction. Sometimes, I couldn't tell where I was because the surroundings looked so unfamilar.

I really don't know how to end this because I have opened so many cans of worms. All I know is that.....

I don't like the sight of dead deer.
I HATE traffic and congestion.
I'm not thrilled with "progress" sometimes when it's in the form of stripping the land & then building more.
I don't like seeing what, to me, says that the world is speeding up, instead of slowing down.

Sometimes, I think that I should have lived in a simplier time. Maybe I should have been a Pilgrim or a peasant. Maybe I should go live in a commune or become a monk.

Do you ever feel like saying "Stop the world, I want to get off?"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I shared my Boca burger dinner with my cat tonight. Cracks me up that she likes them.

I've worked nearly about 22 hours in the past two days trying to catch up at work.

Just got back from vacation in Chicago visiting my sister & family. Had a blast! Saw a Blackhawks game, and they won! Ate breakfast Saturday at the Walnut Room at Marshall Field's/Macy's with my niece's girl scout troupe. Went to Christkindlmarket ( ) and drank yummy warm spiced wine and shopped the craft booths. My brother used to send lots of stuff home when he was stationed in Germany so a lot of it looked familar. Didn't buy anything but some sugar cinnamon covered almonds. I swear that I could absolutely OD on those things. We went to the Art Institute, and I really enjoyed seeing the Medieval art and some of the Impressionistic art. It's unbelieveable what people can do with dots. Lastly, we had front row tickets for Blue Man Group, and I was totally blown away. I really had little idea what exactly BMG was so it made it all the more delightful and surprising. All that in only 4 1/2 days. :)

It's been weird not going to derby practice anymore, but somehow it still feels right for me right now. It's bittersweet really. I really miss skating though, and I miss the bitches that I skated with.

My cat is turning 20 in April, and, if she makes it to then (if the Gods will it!), I'm throwing her a huge party!! She really enjoyed staying with my parents while we were in Chicago. She loves to go to Grandmother & Granddaddy's.

I'm thinking of volunteering at the SPCA again. I've missed it all year since my usual shift conflicted with derby. I miss the kitties though. There is nothing like hanging out in a room full of cats.

I'm toying with the idea of *finally* taking a yoga class. It is something that I've really wanted to do for quite some time now, but I've only had a random class here or there.

Peace out.

Monday, November 20, 2006

For the past few months, I've been having a hard time dragging my butt to practice as I'm sure is obvious from my attendance. I tried to keep telling myself that it would all be different when I could scrimmage and when I got assigned to a team. However, I finally had to realize that I just wasn't having fun anymore, and why should I force myself to keep doing something that I don't enjoy? Then again, I argued with myself that I was so close to passing level 1 so I shouldn't give up. However, not doing anything and quitting are the same thing. I haven't been to practice since the Oct 14th assessment, and it's just time to throw in the towel.

I wasn't planning on quitting. Ever. It just sort of happened. Andrew & I have season tickets for the Hurricanes and that takes up a lot of evenings. Then, my ferret Eomer got sick in October, and we couldn't leave him for long for about 3 weeks...and we didn't want to either. Plus, I really love getting off work and just going home, and I've really missed doing so all these months. In general, I'm just not wanting to invest the time in derby anymore. I feel like I never see my husband or my parents or my friends enough. And, I have to be honest that it was terribly disappointing to not pass level one on Oct 14th. I just feel like it was a kick in the gut, and it knocked the wind out of me. My motivation just fizzled away.

I'm really disappointed and sad to make this decision to quit. I really wanted to make it as a derby girl, but I just don't have the will to go on anymore. Maybe I'll change my mind and come back and try out later, but I'm just not making any promises to myself.

I thank CRG for the fantastic opportunity to train with them all year. I have an immense amount of respect for everyone that bleeds for CRG. What this league has
accomplished is nothing short of amazing. I'm proud to have been a CRG and I'm proud that Raleigh has such a cool roller derby team.

Take care, y'all. I'll be seeing you later.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Eomer Phillips. ~1998 to November 6, 2006

Our sweet, sweet ferret Eomer left this world on Monday. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and has been on meds ever since to slow the progression of the disease as well as to help rid his body of the fluid build up that resulted. Even though the surgery several months ago to remove part of his pancreas was successful (in that he no longer exhibited symptoms of insulinoma), there was just no way to remove all of the cancer. Three weekends ago, he suddenly went downhill on Saturday and had terrible diarrhea. We spent the weekend washing bedding, cleaning him up, and giving him subcutaneous fluids. On Monday, he saw the vet, and his blood work told us that he was suffering from kidney disease and the cancer (that caused his insulinoma earlier this year) had spread to his liver. The meds helped the diarrhea, but he just never got back to 100%. He tired very easily, and we began to wonder if he was in pain. This past Monday morning, his little heart was beating as hard as it could, but it just couldn't keep up with the demands of his body. His chest was heaving, and it was clearly apparent that it was time for Eomer to move on from this world.

Our fantastic vet, Dr Deresienski (Dr D) and the staff of Bowman Hospital fell in love with Eomer over the months so he got lots of love in his last minutes. Needless to say, it was an excruciatingly painful decision to make, but the right one. Eomer is the last of the Phillips Ferts, at least for a while … Serena, Gandalf, Max, Theoden, Cleopatra aka "Baby Girl" all went before. They each touched our lives in different ways.

Eomer and his brother Theoden came to us in January of 2004 through the Ferret Guardian Rescue Haven of Statesville at a Triangle Ferret Lovers Meeting (TriFL). They had been living in a cage on a balcony in Durham, and the names listed on the Durham shelter's paperwork were "Momma" and "Baby". The boys were both sick with shelter shock when we first got them...Theoden more so than we decided to name them after King Theoden and Eomer of LOTR.

Eomer was quite an ambassador for ferrets. Always gentle & loving, he charmed people wherever he went. He worked the NC Renaissance Faire two years in a row helping TriFL to educate the public about ferty-ferts, and he also volunteered his time during a TriFL visit to the NCSU Vet School allowing himself to be handled and examined by students in need of exposure to exotic animals.

Eomer was a simple guy. He loved to do his daily rounds when he got out of the cage. He had a route that he took through each room to make sure everything was in place and to see if anything new had appeared. Then, he'd burrow into his favorite afghan in the corner and dream sweet ferret dreams. He gave wonderful kisses and even snuck a few on his ornery old sister. Quite a Houdini in his early days with us in the Cary house, he discovered a secret way to get in his dad's desk cabinet which baffled us for days. He also figured out how to climb the desk chairs to reach the desktop frontier that he was so eager to explore. It was during one of his desk expeditions that he had his first taste of Pepsi after knocking his dad's can over and landed himself in the kitchen sink for a bath. A lover of the outdoors, he enjoyed getting dirt all over himself digging holes and exploring the yard on the occasions that he was allowed out. Eomer was a fierce little guy when he needed to be...the vacuum cleaner never stood a chance.

We miss Eomer terribly, but we are comforted by the fact that he is out of pain and reunited with his bro Theo-Theo & Baby Girl. We also laugh at the thought of his meeting Max, the most mischievous of our ferrets, and we wonder what Max is teaching him to do (tear up carpets, nip ankles, show his fangs, etc.). Whatever they are doing, the six Phillips ferrets were special little folks, and we miss each one.

Eomer was in our lives for only 2 years and 10 months. It's amazing how somebody that doesn't weigh 2 pounds can have such a huge impact on your life. Eomer's love was unconditional, and we will miss our Bunky Bunk terribly.

Monday, November 06, 2006

About lunch time today, Andrew & I had to take Eomer to the vet for Dr D to help him cross over. His little heart was fighting to keep beating, but he was struggling for his every breath. We knew that it was time. Eomer was the last of our 6 ferrets. He was a special little guy.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I dropped Eomer at the vet Monday morning. Nikki laughed her ass off because she had a checkup scheduled for 3:40, and Eomer took her appt!! Thankfully, our vet lets you drop off in the morning for a later appt for a nominal fee. Eomer seemed pretty chipper that morning considering, but still he was having diarrhea and getting dehydrated. It's really nice that Andrew & I know enough about ferrets that we could keep him at home and *not* have to pay an emergency vet over the weekend.

Basically, the vet said that the blood work showed that some of his liver & kidneys values weren't good (ie, the organs aren't doing what they should). His albumen is low so fluid is seeping into the cavities of his little belly causing a fluid build up. She did a abdomincentisis and the fluid was yellowish which also indicates liver problems. The diarrhea can be a result of liver problems too. When he had his partial pancreas-removal surgery several months ago to treat his insulinoma, it turned into a spleenectomy as well because it was about to rupture. The ultrasound back then showed a spot on his liver so Dr D seems to think that the cancer spread to his liver. Liver cancer ain't good. No, cancer is good, but liver cancer *sure* ain't good.

Dr D gave Eomer some Baytril (anti-infective) & Flagyl (anti-biotic) to help combat the diarrhea. On top of that, he's getting subcutaneous fluids 2x a day. (Thankfully, I just bought a case of fluids for Nikki.) Plus, he's still taking 1) Enalapril (ACE inhibitor) which basically helps lower his blood pressure & helps prevent/treat his congestive heart failure by dialating his blood vessels, and 2) Lasix (diuretic) which helps flush the fluids out.

All this and he doesn't weigh 2 pounds. Poor fellow.

By Monday night, Eomer was doing pretty well and even ran around the den a bit. He seemed better able to control *where* he went to the bathroom so we even let him sleep in his favorite afghan in the corner. Tuesday at lunch, Andrew came home and checked on him, and he was doing well. Right after work, Andrew stopped by the house on the way to D&D and all was well. However, when I came home at 7:45, all that I could do was get my dinner cooked & barely eaten before Eomer started having problems. He was straining to go to the bathroom, but there was nothing he was experiencing rectal prolapse. Finally, I put him in a sleepy sack and just held him so he would stop trying to go and calm down. Thankfully, the inversion was a temporary problem that would stop when he stopped straining. As you can imagine, Eomer was very upset, and I couldn't be sure if he was crying in pain or frustration. Slowly, he began to calm down. Thankfully, Andrew was home from D&D soon after that to lend a hand. Once Eomer fully calmed down, the whimpering stopped. Meanwhile, Nikki was in the bathroom throwing up from constipation. Yee-ha. One child with diarrhea, and one with constipation. I was exhausted.

This morning, I found him sleeping pretty good, and he hadn't made a mess in his bed......but neither had he gone on the paper.....which was puzzling. Andrew does his morning meds so he just messaged me that, after I left for work, Eomer took his meds, ate well, peed, and seemed to be doing okay. I hope today turns out to be a good day for Eomer. If not, I so fear that the end is coming.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Flu bug or more?

Eomer is still not out of the woods. For almost 24 hours, he has been lethargic and he's had diarrhea. Last night, he seemed to perk up after having rec'd subcu fluids 3x yesterday and having eaten lots of Nutri-cal & chicken gravy. He definitely seemed to feel better and even drank some water on his own. Andrew & I didn't go to bed until 2pm. Almost an hour ago, I found Eomer seemingly back where he was yesterday morning. I woke Andrew & we gave him more subcu and cleaned his bedding. By the looks of the dry newspaper, he hadn't gotten out of the bed all night. I held him until he settled back down. Like anybody, Eomer gets very upset when he poops & pees himself.

So, I guess today we wait & see again. If he doesn't improve today, we'll call Dr D. She & her awesome tech are out of the office this weekend, but we have Dr D's cell for emergencies.
Never ready

My sweet ferret is not doing well today. Eomer grunts sometimes when he's snuggling into his bed, when you're holding him, or when he's going to the bathroom, but lately he seems to do it more than he used to for unexplained reasons. This morning, my husband & I heard him this morning grunting in his bed in his cage, and at first, we didn't think much about it. However, then we realized that Eomer was going to the bathroom in his sleepy sack.

Today, Eomer's congestive heart failure may be getting the best of him. Only time will tell. He doesn't seem to have enough energy to stand to go to the bathroom. I have held him up for him to do so, and I've had to clean him up a few times. It makes him very upset when he has to go and can't adequately stand which may explain the grunting earlier today. He has eaten some magick ferret chicken gravy and some Nutri-cal, and now he's sleeping.

The plan for today is to keep an eye on Eomer and hope for the best.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Back on track.......

Overweight and on the home stretch for 39 years old..........

Recipe for disaster. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, & diabetes all run in my family. Which one do I want?

No, really....either I pay for getting healthy now or I pay for it in medical claims later. I already pay to exercise...sort of....since I pay the Ranch each month for my skate pass. I really thought when I started skating this year that it would help me lose weight, but it hasn't. I guess when you've really worked out, you tend to eat everything not nailed down if you're not careful. I've been really good at offsetting any good that skating has done me in that way.

I've always felt like I was bigger than most people my age from when I was a little girl. I grew in height really fast so in my preschool class pic, I'm a head taller than everyone else. It wasn't until maybe my pre-teen/teen years that I became "average tall".....not the tallest, but not average either. About this time, thanks to adolescence, my appettite kicked in and I was a little pudgy in 8th-10th grade. However, by the time that I graduated high school, I think that I weighed 145 which was normal for a high schooler who was 5'6"ish. That's not how I felt though. I always felt fat.

Finally, in college, I probably felt as normal as I have ever felt. I had skinnier friends and I had larger friends so I felt like I was somewhere in the middle. I had lived long enough to learn that there was some one for everyone, regardless of their size. Therefore, I learned that my weight was not the single factor that could be used to calculate my chances of getting a date! Then, again, my dumb ass college boyfriend used to tell me that I was the biggest (ie fattest) girl that he'd ever dated. Well, thanks a lot, dickhead.

When I started my adult life, I was right around where a person my age/height should be. However, after a particularly long, drawn out first bout of depression in the late '90s, I put on 75 lbs. Ick. I had really given up then that I would ever find anyone to spend my life why did it matter how big I was? Upon getting my life spark back in the early '00s, the weight began to peel away as I began to live life again. By the time that I met Andrew in 2001, I was about 10-15 lbs lighter than I am now.

In January of 2002, I started bellydancing which did WONDERS for my body image. I embraced my body and women of all sizes. I immersed myself in the beautiful bellydance community and wasn't ashamed to let my belly hang women of all sizes so commonly do in bellydance circles.

In early 2004 with a year until my wedding day, I joined Weight Watchers (WW) at work and lost 40 lbs that year. It was incredible. I was nearly in a size 14 by Christmas. I have good wedding pictures & good honeymoon pictures to look back on, but in WW's eyes, I still had 20 lbs to reach the *top* of the range for my age. Regardless, I was happy, and I didn't understand.....get this----> I didn't understand *why* people ever gain weight back. Har har. Well, I figured that out as the months passed after the wedding. Of course, I quit WW because I thought I could do it myself. Well, I couldn't. By my first anniversary, I had gained nearly all of my hard earned pre-wedding lost weight back.

Eventually, I definitely gained ALL of the hard earned, pre-wedding lost weight back, and unfortunately, in the process I had lost my positive body image. I haven't been happy with my body ever since. And I guess as I continue to struggle with derby, I've zeroed in on the fact that if I was lighter, I could skate faster and longer without being so tired. If I were lighter, it would make my knees happier. I have muscles under all this fat from the months of skating so I know that this fat isn't doing anything good for derby. Somehow this was the last straw..........

Last Tuesday, I rejoined WW, and tonight is my first official weigh in. It's been a good week. I've done really well attempting to retrain myself to eat better foods and watch my portions. I really, really feel better about myself for getting "back on track" like they like to say in WW.

I'm writing this blog partly to motivate myself and partly to share this with those I care about.

Here's to getting more healthy!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Within my grasp

Level One assessment report:

I'm pleased, just not thrilled.

I passed everything except the mohawk turns and side stepping. It doesn't really upset me to not pass these because neither were skills that I had to pass previously and I haven't had a lot of practice at them.

For now, I'll just focus on them, master them, and that will be that.

Thanks to Kitty, Leadfoot, Chad, & Tomahawk for coming out early to assess.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Just got back from the chiropractor to be treated for torticollis. Yee ha. I've seen my God-like doc for over 5 years now for a chronic neck/back problem. Basically, my muscles tense up and pull my spine out of alignment. Usually, the result is a slow, increasingly painful, dull ache, and a limitation of movement. Today was A-freaking-CUTE! All that I did was stretch/twist a bit in the shower this morning, and, by doing so, I aggravated my already slightly stuck condition. I've done this before.....not by stretching/twisting in the shower exactly......but by other movements so I've been here before.

Torticollis is one of a broader category of disorders that exhibit flexion, extension, or twisting of muscles of the neck beyond their normal position. In torticollis your neck tends to twist to one side. The condition can either develop slowly if you have a family history of the disorder, acutely from trauma, or as an adverse reaction to medications.

Bending or twisting your neck too far can lead to acute torticollis. This condition appears with few symptoms, although often you will appear uncomfortable and will hold your head straight or rotated to one side. It will hurt to move your head to the opposite side. Your neck muscles on the side that hurts often are tender to the touch. The doctor will check your nerve and motor function to rule out spinal cord injury.

Now, with two days before my assessment, I was advised to not go to practice or I'll lose my adjustment. Losing it would not be good for lots of reasons. Namely, I have my assessment to make it through Saturday morning, but I also have my 20th high school reunion this weekend. I'd hate to be miserable through these weekend activities.

After 8 months and 7 days, I should say that I'd better be ready for this damn assessment. Hopefully, the requirements to pass haven't changed too much on me. I can *do* everything on the list, but I just hope that I do it the way that's now required to pass it.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
It means that I prefer to be called "LooseWheel", not Lucille. Lucille is too plain. LooseWheel really sums me up.

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
If I had balls there would have been sweating. It was HOT AS HELL that day.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:
Given-Leigh After marriage- Lloyd, my maiden name

4. What is your current relationship status?
disgustingly, happily married

5. What are you wearing right now?
purple fuzzy socks, grey pj pants, fave old orange teeshirt

6. What are your current problems?

7. Who do you love most?
That's a hard question. Of course, I love my hubby with my heart, soul, & body, but I love my parents 100%. Then, there's my cat who is really my child. How can you compare the love that you have for your husband, your parents, or your child? You can't really. The love is different for each.

8. Who makes you most happy?

9. Are you musically talented?
Yeah, but I never did enough with it. Piano: 7 years. Flute: 5 years Sang in choirs & musicals. All of that was 13+ years ago. Started learning to drum 2 years ago when I was bellydancing.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would you change?
that I would have been younger when I met Andrew

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would it be?
a bird......I want to fly

12. Ever have a near death experience?
April 4, 1980....could have drowned in near freezing water

13. Can you dance?
Yeah, but only bellydance

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"I'm no Superman."...... Scrubs theme

15. Who did you cut and paste this from?

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
nothing major

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
fist? nope

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?

eyes, voice, sense of humor, hands

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
green tea blackberry iced something

22. Do you have a crush on one of your myspace friends?

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
nope, but yes in Panama......does that count?

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
yep, in high school, I was known as Lady Di

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
movies with animals like "Babe"....YES! Occassionally, I like to watch shows that I used to watch "Sesame Street" or "Mr Rogers. Plus, I love to watch tv with my nephews/nieces.

26. Did you have braces?
years ago.....twice!

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
yeah, it's fine

28 Do you consider yourself adventurous?
not enough so

29. Do you speak any other languages?
a little French.....recognize bits of Spanish, Arabic, German

30. What are your favorite smells?
my hubby, my cat, my ferret, grass, dirt

Monday, August 21, 2006

1. Are you in a relationship?
Yep, the longest one of my life. Nearly 5 years.

2. Do you hate more than 3 people?
Hate? I don't think that I hate anyone. My mom would be proud.

3. How many houses have you lived in?
Actual houses (and not counting apts) comes to 4.

4. What is your favorite candy?
milk chocolate covered almonds

5. What are your favorite shoes?
my army green/pink trimmed chucks

6. Have you ever tripped someone?
yeah, but only for fun....probably my sister the most

8. What was your favorite summer trip this year?
beach with some of my best friends

9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
you're joking, right?

10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
do the bushes count?

11. Name someone that's ALWAYS on your mind.
my husband

12. What is your favorite music genre?
probably industrial

13. What is your sign?

14. What time were you born?
around 6am I think

15. Do you like beer?

16. Have you ever made a prank call?
yeah, a looooooooooong time ago.

17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
Jessica Simpson

18. Are you sarcastic?
yep, and it got me in the most trouble as a kid.

19. What is your favorite color?

20. How many watches do you own?
probably 6, but all the batteries are dead. Is that pathetic or what?

21. Summer or Winter?
Winter, winter, winter. How that I've lasted as long as I have sweating in the South totally escapes me!

22. Spring or fall?
Fall, absolutely no question. Fall is my favorite season of all. The colors, the weather, the smell of leaves, snuggly sweaters, etc.

23. What is your favorite color to wear?

24. Pepsi or Sprite?
Diet Pepsi

25. What color is your cell phone?

26. Wheres your second home?
across town at Mom & Dad's

27. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yep, two boys on two separate but similar occasions. They were my boyfriends at the time, and I felt that they were humiliating me in front of other people.

28. Have you ever had a cavity?
yep, 2 and a half. Only one has had to be replaced so far, and it's filled with the new nifty white stuff.

29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?

30. How many video games do you own?
24 Xbox games

31. What was your first pet?
Manx cat, Puss'n'Boots

32. Have you ever had braces?
yep, twice

33. Do looks matter?
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

34. Do you use Chapstick?

36. American Eagle or Abercrombie?
neither for me

37. Are you too forgiving?
yes, I probably am.

38. How many children do you want?
Well, the timing is all off so I'm not sure if I'll have children. There were times in my life that I would have LOVED to have children. However, now is not the time. I love my husband, and I'd love to have his children. However, I'm not ready to be a parent yet. I'm not ready for the life change. I'm not ready to give up derby when I haven't really started. Unfortunately, my clock is winding down.

39. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
No, but my hubby has a bunch of tee shirts.

40. What is your favorite breakfast?
eggs, GimmeLean, grits with cheese, harvest grain pancakes

41. Do you own a gun?

42.Whats the last thing you ate?
Broken up granola bars in milk. I was out of cereal.

44. What did you do 3 nights ago?
Friday night, I went for my monthly massage right after work, and she fixed my knee that had been bothering me. Then, I met my hubby and friends at the 'Shroom to celebrate Ian's 40th with pizza and beers

45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
no idea

46. Have you ever called your teacher "mom"?
when I had a teacher, yeah, I did.

48. What is your nickname(s)?
Snad, 'Dra, Trouble

49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
yep, my step grandma

50. Have you ever been to Kentucky?

51. Do you own something from Pac Sun?
uh, what?

52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
yep, and wondering when he'll be home

53. Have you ever called someone Boo?

54. Do you drink?

56. Are you happy with your life right now?

57. Do you dye your hair?
sometimes, just for fun

58. Does anyone like you?
I sure hope so.

59. Who's your best friend(s)?
Rachel and about 15 other folks..... "all y'all"

60. What were you doing May of 1994?
working at the AIDS hotline, single, and headed for a downward spiral

61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
Ms. Kara said it best: "No, vomit..."

62. McDonald's or Wendy's?
Wendy's. (McDonald's? Haven't you seen "Supersize me"?)

63. Do you like yourself?
Yeah, I'm pretty happy with myself. I just wish that I was younger.

64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
Can't really answer that. I love them both so much, and I'm close to them as one unit. That's what they are after 51 years together. One unit, that is.

65. Favorite feature(s) of the preferred sex?
eyes....the window to the soul

66. Are you afraid of the dark?
not really

67. Have you ever eaten paste?
Probably when I was a kid, but honestly I most likely crammed it up my nose.

68. Do you have a webcam?

69. Have you ever stripped?
Once on video when I was in college for my boyfriend, but his friends got a hold of it and I had to live with the fact that they all knew what I looked like naked.

70. What are you looking forward to the most this week?
skating on my new skates!!!!
I have my new skates!!! They're here!!!! I ripped them out of the box, strapped them on, and skated around my office for while. The leather needs breaking in of course, but they are AWESOME!!!! For the first time in about 5 months, I'm on balanced skates!!!!!!!

I'm so excited that I can't see straight! All thanks goes to Ivanna and Sin City Skates for arranging for Riedell to replace my lemon R3s.

I love you forever, Ivanna.......

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship:
game over

2. When was the last time you shaved?
shaved what? it depends.....

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
driving on I-40 late to work

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
looking at Tshirts on

5. Are you any good at math?
pre-algebra math? yes Algebra/Calculus/Statistics etc? that would be a big fat NO

6. Your prom night?
Junior year, I almost lost my virginity, but I waited another week. :)

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
no idea

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
no, I'm one of those lucky people whose parents paid

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
not yet

10. Last thing received in the mail?
Cat Fancy mag (yes, I've been a loyal reader for about 10 years)

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
Water, Diet Pepsi, Diet Mountain Dew

12. Do you leave messages on people's answering machines?
the only reason that I don't is if I don't need you to call me back

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Genesis Feb 1987 Dean Dome

14. Do you draw your name in the sand while at the beach?
Yep...and one time I misspelled it.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
pain after removal of all four 12 yo molars

16. What is out your back door?
small deck, my upstairs neighbors deck above, small house on the street beside us

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
the wind makes it tickle my face which drives me bonkers

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
Years ago but not for Christmas

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?

22. Some things you are excited about?
my new skates are coming soon, the thought of being assigned to a team one day, going to my 20th high school reunion in October

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
nope, all died before I was born

25. Describe your keychain:
a small whistle, and my hubby's key fob (the battery's dead in mine!)

26. Where do you keep your change?

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
pea coat!

29. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
hot as hell for high school & college

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
closed until my hubby comes to bed so Eomer (ferret) doesn't come in and piss off Nikki (old cat)
I still don't have my skates. Now, I don't blame Ivanna a bit. Sean @ Riedell is the one at whom I'm really pissed me off. After saying that he would be sending me my new 122s, I thanked Ivanna and started dealing only with him by email. He told me that I'd get "EVO swirl wheels or Demon". However, once he told me that the wide boot would take 4-6 weeks, I said I'd just take the regular size and take them locally to be stretched. That was mid-last week. At that point, he threw me back to Ivanna on Thursday. And guess what? She was taking a well-deserved post-Rollercon long weekend vacation!!! So I finally heard from her last night, and we were back at square one. She needed to talk to Sean and figured out what he had promised me exactly, how it would work for her to send them when Riedell is the one that owes me new skates, etc. She'd be able to send them in the next few days, she thought. I offered to pay for freaking overnight shipping. I haven't been to practice in nearly a month since it was confirmed that my old skates were lemons. I'm DYING to skate. Do you know what a skate-less derby girl is capable of? I'm totally off my rocker!!!!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

10:21 AM - Riedell is the BEST!!!!!!

I just got a call from Shawn @ Riedell who was at Rollercon with Ivanna. They are upgrading me to a pair of 122s at no cost to me! Ivanna will be sending them soon. Oh, hallelujah!!! It was such a short, to-the-point phone conversation that I can't believe that it just happened. I hope that I get them this week!

9:06 AM - A new chapter

Wow. I haven't been to practice since July 20th which was the night that Tomahawk looked at my skates and deemed them 'wacked'. I'm waiting to hear from Ivanna to see what Riedell had to say when they saw them at Rollercon. I'm no closer to knowing what skates that I want next, but I guess I'm still thinking the 122s.

Getting back on the rink in my new skates is going to be such a turning point. Am I going to finally feel good about my skating, or will I just find something else to bitch/whine about? Have I got what it takes to be a derby girl? Only time will tell. I want to push myself as far as I can go, and, if that's not good enough to get me on a team, then my derby career will end. However, I'm thinking that my new skates will be just what I've needed to pass level 1 & become bout eligible. I can't wait to get them.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

My skates went to Rollercon and left me behind....

Yep, my R3s are in Vegas. They arrived today at the Plaza Hotel to be delivered to Ivanna S. Pankin, Queen of Sin City Skates. She is going to take them to Rollercon and show them to the Riedell booth people right next to the Sin City Skates booth. Hopefully, I'll get a credit out of this for new Riedell skates of *another* style. No more R3s for me.

It's funny----I'll miss those stupid R3s even though they seriously stunted my derby progress. What kind of sense does that make? I guess that I was just so excited to finally have my first pair of speed skates. I wanted them so bad back in '79/'80.

Now, I have to decide what skates I want next. 122s? 125s? Suggestions, anybody? Keep in mind I have a wide foot and high instep.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I have a new training program. I'm skating outside in my 26 year old skates. Yes, you read that correctly......26 year old skates. At this point, ANYTHING is better than my R3s.

Last night, I took out my old boot skates that I got for my 12th birthday......don't do the math........and put my outdoor wheels on them. Also, I had to use a Vise Grip (literally!) to loosen my trucks. After I got the skates adjusted, I went outside to the street next to my house and started skating. The cool thing is that it's downhill going away from the house, and it is slightly uphill on the way back. After getting my legs under me on the strange terrain, I discovered that the best way to go down the hill was to slalom while throwing glances over my shoulder looking for cars (but practicing looking for the other team's jammer!). When I got to the bottom of the hill, I would plow stop and do a few crossovers as I turned around to start back towards the house. At that point, I would sprint as hard as I could back up the block.......which I can definitely use a lot of practice doing. Sprinting, that is. Hell, I can use a lot of practice doing a lot of things. Heh. I did this slalom down/sprint back pattern about 10-15 times.

I figure that by skating outside I will 1) challenge & strengthen my muscles in a way that will make skating indoors easier, and 2) avoid the humilation of skating like a big ole dumb ass (aka B.O.D.A.) at the Ranch until my new skates arrive.

I'm certainly not planning to *not* show up at the Ranch at all in the coming weeks, but I'm really tired of going to practice and taking 1 step forward, only to take 5 steps back. Regardless of how hard I try to fight my all my negative feelings (insecurities, self doubt, frustration, etc.), I've just been miserable with my derbiness over the past few months. I need something positive. I need to see some improvement in my skating before my little heart breaks.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I decided to sleep in this morning, and, with my hubby at TrinocCon, there was nothing to disturb me. Late morning sleeping seems to breed weird dreams. The dream that I had started with trying to get out of a house that some sort of zombies/monsters were in. I remember not having time to get everything that I needed, but I grabbed my cat Nikki. Then, the premise of the dream was that everyone, and I mean *everyone* had to leave their homes and flee something. I can't remember what the something was, but it wasn't good. I found my dad first, and then miraculously my whole family was reunited. People were living in camps and scraping to get by. Then, I saw a woman come into our 'area' and take Nikki! I ran as fast as my legs would take me and followed her into a building where a pregnant cat rescue had set up shop.

"Pregnant? My cat's not pregnant!", I yelled. "She's 19, and her tummy skin is just droopy!" The lady apologized and I left with Nikki.

Later in the dream, it came to my attention that Nikki was being cared for at another makeshift vet for losing all but one of her toes on one foot. I raced there only to find that it wasn't Nikki at all. She was fine. She was back at the camp safe in her carrier.

Heh. It's funny. Dreams seem so scary when they are still in your head. When you type them out, they seem really stupid. However, I often have dreams of trying to find Nikki or save Nikki or something Mom-ish about Nikki along those lines. My Mom said that she often has had similar dreams over the years of my sister, brother, & I. It must be a Mom thing.

Anyway, when I woke up to the phone, I was so happy to find that raggedy old cat laying next to me. I thanked my husband for calling and waking me from my terrible dream.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I started working on my front page and realized that it sounds more like blog material so I'm pasting it here:

My derby helmet has a sticker on it that reads, "Destined to be an old woman with no regrets." That's me. I have some from when I was younger that I can't undo. Not big ones and not really regrets per se, but more like things that I wish I'd done (like study abroad, or move away from Raleigh and live on my own). I don't want to do those things now, but I didn't do them when I wanted to.

I've always been known as kind of wacky. I guess it started because I'm the youngest in my family. I'd take most any dare and do anything to get attention (lick my sister's shoe, eat a page of notebook paper, jump anything on my bike, climb any tree, etc.). Unfortunately, growing up makes you calm down a bit so I don't exactly eat notebook paper anymore, but I have been known to eat notes with things like credit card info on them. See? Kind of wacky? Today, I express a lot of my wackiness through my insane love for my cat & ferret. If you haven't seen the pages that I let them make, they are my first "friends" listed so go see for yourself.

I hung up my bellydancing scarf for my skates. I was a bellydancer for about 4 years and semi-professional (a few paying gigs) for about 2 years of that. Bellydancing consumed me. I listened to bellydance music almost exclusively, built a kick ass wardrobe, sweated my ass off at regular classes, studied under lots of big names at countless workshops, and I helped found a troupe. Regardless of how much I loved it, one day I realized the magick was gone. I fought it. I didn't want to stop dancing, derby stole my heart away. When the dust settled, I realized that I had been going through the motions with bellydancing for too long. Urmimala, the bellydancer, became LooseWheel Lucille, the rookie CRG.

I always said in college that I wouldn't work some stupid 8-5 job and I'd never work in corporate America. Well, I also said that I wanted to be a social worker. Ha ha. I wish that I could find the job that made me superhappy, but I had to settle a long time ago for the job that pays the bills and makes me reasonably happy. Believe it or not, I found that in accounting clerk jobs. You could not have told me in college that I would have EVER had to do anything with accounting. Oh, well...there are two sides of me, I guess; the people person and the task oriented box checker. I love to check the box.

I don't much like being 38. I wish that someone would give me the past 15 years back and let me spend them with my husband, instead of with the guys that broke my heart or alone. I wish that I had discovered derby when I was 23, not now when I feel the age limitations of my body. I wish that I had more time to be ready to have children. I wish that my parents weren't in their 70s.

This blog sounds more depressing than I feel. Really.
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

Peanuts Glenwood

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother last name on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Goss Chocolate

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

S Lei or S Llo (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: ( favorite color, favorite animal)

Red Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Leigh Raleigh or Lloyd Raleigh (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) :

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

Dyoll Ssog or Hgiel Ssog (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

(Where the hell did #8 go?)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive/want)

The Red Mazda

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Crap. I overslept and missed practice. The clocks are blinking in the house so I guess the power went off. I don't remember a storm so it seems kind of weird. Of course, I don't have a stupid backup battery in my alarm clock.

I was really looking forward to going to practice today because I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel (knocks on wood). Wednesday night, I loosened my trucks at the suggestion of someone on the roller_girls list, and it was one of the first times in a long time that I didn't fall. I felt much more in control.....still shakey & not as sturdy as I'd like to be.....but there was definitely an improvement. Ivanna told me to call her before I "kill" myself so I'm planning to call her this weekend to discuss my skates.

Also, with the travel team in Texas and last Tuesday's practice being dedicated to the new recruits, today's practice was going to be a skills practice of sorts. I was looking forward to it and to watching some scrimmaging. Oh, well---I'm planning on going to Sunday practice tomorrow for the first time in a long time. With 5 practices a week to choose from, I've been choosing to go to the ones where I could actually skate and concentrate on my own skate problems. Sundays had become very frustrating for me because it was nearly all scrimmaging which I can't do yet. Yes, I need to watch & learn, but I guess that I've been choosing to focus elsewhere. It's just how my little brain works, I guess. I can't really focus much on the game when I can't even freaking skate like I think I should yet.

Well, that's enough first-thing-in-the-morning rambling. I'm going to go get on with my day.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Can you blow a bubble?: Yep

Can you dance?: Sorta. I never felt like much of a dancer. Then, I took up bellydancing, and I did pretty damn good. Now, my dancing is bellydance-ish.

Can you do a cart wheel?: Used to, haven't tried in years

Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?: I don't think so---I don't eat a lot of cherries with stems so I haven't had many opportunities to try.

Can you touch your toes?: Yes. Hell, I can put my hands flat on the floor.

Can you whistle?: Yes, but only the normal way. No loud whistles like you could do and be heard at a concert.

Can you wiggle your ears?: Yeah

Can you wiggle your nose? Yep, but it's really my nostrils wiggling.


Did you ever get into a fight in school?: In general? of course; Physical? nope

Did you ever run away from home?: not really....I only threatened to when I was <10 and trying to get attention

Did you ever want to be a doctor?: Nope

Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: Nope


Do you believe in God?: Yes, but I'm not sure of the details.

Do you know how to swim?: Yep

Do you like roller coasters?: Not really. Thanks, Mom, for the motion sickness.

Do you own a bike?: Nope

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: No/No. I have a husband. Does that count?


Does hair loss run in your family at all? No. My dad is 78 with a full head of beautiful white hair. Both my granddaddies had full hair at 75.

Does your car get good gas mileage?: It's okay. I get ~30 mpg on my '98 Honda Civic.

Does your family have picnics? Nope, but we used to when all the grandkids were little.


Have you ever been on a plane?: Many, many times

Have you ever asked someone out?: No **bok bok**

Have you ever been asked out by someone?: no, my hubby & I married without dating. Of course, I've been asked out. Holy shit! I'm 38! I would hope that I would have been asked out by someone. How old are the people that write these surveys?

Have you ever been to the ocean?: I've lived here my whole life, and it's only 2-3 hours away. You do the math.

Have you ever gone fishing?: Yes, but only twice. Both times, I got upset for the fish & for the bait. Yes, they have feelings too.

Have you ever painted your nails? yes


How did you find out about myspace?: through derby

How many people are on your friend's list?: 108sh

How many of them have you met in person?: about 75¥P>How many times has your profile been visited?: 732 since Feb

How tall are you?: 5'8"

How much money do you have on you right now?: some change


Last person you hung out with?: my hubby et al at the AFTER PARTY!

Last thing you said out loud?: "Yeah, I'm always running my mouth and forget to clock back in."

Last thing someone said to you?: "Pizza & ice cream are good even if you're not pregnant."


What are you listening to?: radio

What is the temperature outside?: disgusting 90-something

What radio station do you listen to?: mostly 93.9, 102.9, 88.1, & 106.1

What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Pizza Hut

What was the last thing you bought?: lunch buffet

What was the last thing you had to drink?: Diet Coke

What was the last t.v. show you watched?: Eastenders

What's up with your MySpace picture?: It's my first official derby pic


Who is your newest friend added to your myspace?: Sin City Roller Derby!

Who was the last person you IM'd?: Andrew, the only person that I'll IM outside of work

Who you talked to on the phone with last?: Andrew

Who was the last person you took pictures with?: my friends at the beach

Who is in your default picture?: Just me

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?: Eris Discordia

Who was the last person you said i love you to?: Andrew

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I doubt anyone has NOT heard me bitch about my skates. If you don't know the story, you can read the footnote below.

Last Sunday at practice, Mange pointed out that the plate mounting on the heel of my left skate still looked too far to the left. I looked down and realized that she was right. I could see my whole freaking right back wheel but just a sliver of the left wheel. The right skate was only a little better. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Maybe because when I sent my skates back to Riedell, I thought they FIXED them because the plate looked centered when I looked down at my toes. I guess that I couldn't see my heel really because of my belly and my knee pads. :(

I have to be honest. I've been so discouraged lately that I've toyed with the idea of quitting. The only reason that I haven't is because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I quit. I *know* that I should be able to skate well. I *know* that I should be able to play roller derby. I don't expect to be the best CRGer ever. Hardly. But I *know* that I can do better than I've been doing. It has been hard to watch all my fellow rookies excel and be assigned to teams. I've been thrilled for them. Really. I am just anxious to join them. There are very few of us Level Zeros left, and there are very few girls not scrimmaging. There used to be comfort in numbers. Now, at practices, I am one of the few over to the side working on skills that I should have passed months ago. Yeah, sure....fresh meat is coming soon, but---no offense---I don't want to be in another 'class' of rookies after almost 6 months of skating. I want to be on a team playing with my rookie friends and my grannie friends!

Last night, I showed my skates to Tomahawk, and he said my plates were definitely still off! He couldn't believe that I could skate on them like they were. He was alarmed by the way that I can keep all four wheels on the floor in my left skate while standing on the side of my foot in my boot. It looked to me like the plate was buckling! I'm lucky that I haven't had a blow out, I guess. No more speed skating for me. He told me, and I quote, "You need to send those back to Ivanna and tell her that Riedell needs to give you new ones."


I could have cried. I've had conversations with Tom previously about my skates, but that was before I sent them to be "fixed". He has been a tremendous help to me, and I trust his advice.

After practice, I took off my skates and Tom & I inspected them. They were frighteningly "wacked". Besides the off centered mounting of the plates, the boot and the plate were not level with the floor. There was a obvious tilt in the trucks on both skates. No wonder I've been losing my balance.

I talked to Ivanna about 2 hours ago, and she's going to talk to Riedell for me. I'm either sending my skates with a CRGer that's going to Rollercon, or I'm shipping them to Ivanna. Either way, I'm hoping that Riedell will agree to give me a credit so I can purchase a different model of skates. I'm done with R3s.

The funny thing is......I love these skates, and I hate to part with them. WTF?


My R3 journey:
I joined CRG on 2/5/06. In March, after I mastered nearly all of the basic derby skills in good old peanut butters (#8-21) at our rink, I bought my R3s from Ivanna @ Sin City Skates and was in heaven. Naturally, I figured there would be an adjustment period as I got used to the new skates.

First the problem seemed to be getting used to not having a heel on the boot like the rentals had so I kept falling backwards. Meanwhile, I realized that my left foot glide & tstop (since I drag my right foot) were shakey; I'd lose my balance and fall to the left. Plus, I noticed the skate was turning to the left like a bad shopping cart, and I wore a groove in my boot
bottom. I blamed my imbalance. I blamed my weight distribution.

Struggling & frustrated, I tightened my trucks as tight as they
would go at the suggestion of one of our coaches so I could get a
handle on my skating. THEN, a league sister told me about the
discussion on this list about several folks having problems with the
mismounting of their R3's plates. I spoke with Alice at Riedell,
shipped off my R3s, and, in 8 days, they were repaired and back on
my feet. I thought my problems would be gone, but it was then that
I began to notice that *both* of my skates were turning outward. I
couldn't do a left foot glide nor a right foot glide anymore, and I was still beating my tstop into submission. I loosened my damn trucks and the "bad shopping cart" effect stopped. However, it's three weeks later and I am still having problems.
I just read Fairy Brutal's blog that Sean Johnson, (dj oldschool) was killed in a car accident yesterday morning. I can't get my head around it. I just 'found' Sean here on myspace and was in the process of reconnecting with my old friend.

Sean & I used to hang out together at the 5-0 back in the day when Rachel & I were frequenting it in its last days. The Saturday night Goth Night crowd ruled....James Clark, Jacob, Heather, Ben K, Ben S., Joe, Tonya, Larry, & various stragglers & other really nice people whose names time has erased ... and of course Susan & Scott who owned 5-0 and now own Kulture. We drank pitchers of Guinness, played Real Tournament, and had a damn good time. Actually, I met my husband during this period, thanks to Joe who brought Andrew to the 5-0 in May of 2001.

Sean was always a bright light. Bethe nicknamed him "Shiny". Always smiling. Always good for a hug. We even kissed once back then.

I was really looking forward to seeing him again. I couldn't tell from his pix on his Old School page if that was him....for sure He didn't have a furry face when I knew him.

Rest in peace, Sean. Your light was too bright to stay here for too long. Shine on, man. Shine on.

***From his page, ganked from Fairy's blog***
Mind Storm
I have lived my life through the storms of the world and looking back it makes me calm. The people in my life, past and present, are mirror images of myself walking through the rain and sunshine. Looking up and out over the land I see peace in my world, people sharing the love for the moment and living for the now. How wonderful it is to be free and a prisoner of what is right for you, with a smile on your face and a hart that you give freely to whoever wants it you look into my eyes and see that I to will give it back two fold. My eyes are windows for you to either look into or brake, that is your choice, and I will get new ones and rebuild my house so that you will learn that either way you will look into my soul, broken or not.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My old MySpace profile:
human, woman, wife, daughter, sister, furmom, aunt, rookie Carolina Rollergirl*****

Random details:

I've been a bellydancer for 4 years, and I am a founding member of a tribal fushion bellydance troupe Akasha. However, I hung up my hip scarf when I found derby.

My geriatric cat takes medicine for high blood pressure, constipation, plus an anti-acid every day. Thanks to her bad kidneys, she also gets 200-250 mls of fluid that I have to give her subcutaneously. It's kind of like putting gas in a car. She hates it, but it's the most important thing for her kidneys.

My geratric ferret has insulinoma....which is basically a disease characterized by small tumors in the pancreas that cause low blood sugar. He takes Prednisone daily and eats TONS of Nutri-cal.

I'm a native Raleigh girl. Third generation (at least) Wake County resident.

I like the beach off season. All that I want to do is look for shells.

I get bad headaches when a front is coming. I also get a lot of sinus headaches and migraines.

I was Indian in another lifetime. I love everything about South Asian culture (food, dance, clothes, music, etc.). I think South Asians are some of the most beautiful people in the world. I have to be careful not to be caught staring at traditionally dressed women in public. The gorgeous colors of their sari or salwaar kameeze, their shiny black braid, their bindi..... beautiful.

I love my 18 year old cat to the point of insanity.

I love and appreciate the differences in people. I am enthralled with cultures of the world. I love to travel, eat foreign food, listen to & learn foreign languages, etc.

I've worked many jobs in my life. My first job in 5th grade was delivering a weekly advertising paper. I think I made ~$15 a month!!! Since then, I've worked in fast food, bookstores, a shoe store, as a telemarketer, in a condominium office, as a social worker in foster care, answering calls to the national AIDS hotline, as an intake specialist for a managed mental health care company, in provider relations at an HMO, as a PartyLite consultant, and as an accounting clerk in various compacities (a/p, a/r, and billing).
I've had several volunteer jobs in my life. I've worked at a mental hospital, a medical hospital, and an animal shelter.

I'm a pesca-vegetarian......and that means that I do eat fish.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

The slow road back (Written 6/3, posting 6/11)
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Okay. So Friday a week ago, I got my skates back from Riedell which was really cool considering the fact that I had sent them 8 days previous and they must have only had them for only a day or so. :) Go, Riedell! Go, UPS too!

I went to practice last Saturday erroneously thinking that skating would be a piece of cake. I mean, I'd be all balanced now when my plates correctly mounted, right? Wrong! I was all over the place like I was skating on banana peels! My left skate which *used* to make me wanna go left was now pulling to the right. WTF?

Duh, LooseWheel! It's because you had adapted to the misaligned skate!!!!! You were having to overcompensate!!! So now you have to re-train your feet & legs to *not* pull to the right.

I skated and skated last Saturday while those that had passed level one and been cleared for contact were scrimaging. Besides the fact that I really wished that I was already cleared for contact, honestly, I was really happy that I was allowed to just skate around the outside of the track. I needed the practice to get my wheels back under me. I went to practice Wednesday, and it was weird. In some ways, my skating was better, but I was challenged (off balance) in completely other ways. With a lot of support from the girls in the front of the speed line (especially Frog), I kept at it, and, by the end of the practice, I was nearly skating normal. Nearly.

Which brings us to today............

Today, I went to buttcrack Saturday morning practice planning to practice my regular ole forward skating. Level 2 & bout assessments were taking place, and the first thing on the agenda was the 20 lap test. Why not, I thought.

Funny story: the first time that I did the 20 lap test, I didn't know that I was doing it. I had only been a rookie for about a week when the test was given during a Sunday practice. I had no idea that they were timing us rookies. Besides the fact that I couldn't have skated 20 laps in a row anyway, I actually stopped and got off the floor to down some water. My time was 12:57 on 2/12/06. The next time that I did the test was April 2, and I stayed on Scoob's butt and came in at 7:46.

Now, back to today: I clocked in at 6:55!!! Almost a whole minute off my time! I would have come in under 6:40 if I hadn't fallen on the 19th lap. No lie. I wiped out on the last turn. The assessors & other girls were yelling "Get up! Get up!", and I thought I was. Ha ha. It was pure hell to peel my ass off the floor and get going again. My legs felt like mush. However, I did it!! I did it. I got my fat white ass off the floor and skated the last lap. Honestly, I think its really cool that I did as well as I did so it really didn't upset me that I could have achieved the magickal 6:40. That will be my challenge next time.
Okay. So Friday a week ago, I got my skates back from Riedell which was really cool considering the fact that I had sent them 8 days previous and they must have only had them for only a day or so. :) Go, Riedell! Go, UPS too!

I went to practice last Saturday erroneously thinking that skating would be a piece of cake. I mean, I'd be all balanced now when my plates correctly mounted, right? Wrong! I was all over the place like I was skating on banana peels! My left skate which *used* to make me wanna go left was now pulling to the right. WTF?

Duh, LooseWheel! It's because you had adapted to the misaligned skate!!!!! You were having to overcompensate!!! So now you have to re-train your feet & legs to *not* pull to the right.

I skated and skated last Saturday while those that had passed level one and been cleared for contact were scrimaging. Besides the fact that I really wished that I was already cleared for contact, honestly, I was really happy that I was allowed to just skate around the outside of the track. I needed the practice to get my wheels back under me. I went to practice Wednesday, and it was weird. In some ways, my skating was better, but I was challenged (off balance) in completely other ways. With a lot of support from the girls in the front of the speed line (especially Frog), I kept at it, and, by the end of the practice, I was nearly skating normal. Nearly.

Which brings us to today............

Today, I went to buttcrack Saturday morning practice planning to practice my regular ole forward skating. Level 2 & bout assessments were taking place, and the first thing on the agenda was the 20 lap test. Why not, I thought.

Funny story: the first time that I did the 20 lap test, I didn't know that I was doing it. I had only been a rookie for about a week when the test was given during a Sunday practice. I had no idea that they were timing us rookies. Besides the fact that I couldn't have skated 20 laps in a row anyway, I actually stopped and got off the floor to down some water. My time was 12:57 on 2/12/06. The next time that I did the test was April 2, and I stayed on Scoob's butt and came in at 7:46.

Now, back to today: I clocked in at 6:55!!! Almost a whole minute off my time! I would have come in under 6:40 if I hadn't fallen on the 19th lap. No lie. I wiped out on the last turn. The assessors & other girls were yelling "Get up! Get up!", and I thought I was. Ha ha. It was pure hell to peel my ass off the floor and get going again. My legs felt like mush. However, I did it!! I did it. I got my fat white ass off the floor and skated the last lap. Honestly, I think its really cool that I did as well as I did so it really didn't upset me that I could have achieved the magickal 6:40. That will be my challenge next time.

Friday, May 19, 2006

My skates!!!! I miss my skates!!!!!

I'm one of the lucky ones with R3s that have mismounted plates. I shipped them back to Riedell yesterday after talking with their returns department. Since I work at a company that has a warehouse with a shipping department, I got one of the fellows to help me package my skates up nicely with bubblewrap and all. I thought that I was going to overnight them, but that would have cost $85!!!! And, that's *with* our corporate discount!!! I ended up doing ground for $7.79 because they'll get there by next Tuesday. I guess that I don't expect to get them back for about 2 weeks which SUX.

On the bright side, when I do get them, I'll be able to pass level one because I'll be able to do a T stop & a left foot glide without falling to the left. Then, all I need is to take the test, and then it will be MY turn to get a cool level 1 certificate.

It's funny. Ever since I figured out that my plates weren't centered, I've not been able to skate worth a shit. It's like I can feel the mismount so much more than before. Psychological, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, I'm headed to the beach this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. Cross your fingers that I don't kill myself because I've put my outdoor wheels on my 1979 skates so I can skate at the beach. Heh. These skates have been sitting in my closet for YEARS so there's no telling what might happen to them. If they do okay, I'll be able to wear them at practice until my R3s come back. It's better than wearing "peanut butters". However, I do have a special place in my heart for pair #8-20 at the Ranch.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Thanks, Migraine. I really wanted to miss my assessment this morning.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Well, it's official. I have definitely gained all of my pre-wedding weight back. Yee-ha. It's been a slow, creeping process, but I'm right back where I was 2 years ago.

I went to the doctor last Friday to bleed for lab work. While there, my blood pressure was unusually high. Great. It's probably the Effexor, I thought, and I sure haven't watched my pressure over the last few months like I should have been. My psychiatrist (Dr Chambers) told me when he put me on it 2 years ago, that it could raise your pressure. Well, it did a little after time, but not in the dangerous range. Without insurance from Jan 1-Mar 1, I couldn't exactly go to the doctor. Early last week, I went crazy and scheduled my yearly physical, a mental checkup, & a gyno annual.

I saw Dr Chambers last Tuesday, and he was equally alarmed with my hbp. Coupled with the fact that Effexor affects my sex drive, the hbp was the last straw. Starting Wed, I've started tapering off.

Last night at Mom & Dad's, Dad used his nifty machine to take my pressure, and the readings were the worst that I've seen. 170ish/122ish!!!! Holy shit!

Now, today, I went for my physical with Dr Singh, my regular doc, and she told me the results of last week's lab work. Again, my blood pressure was high, but not as bad as last night. 160ish/92. My thyroid is sleeping a little again so she upped the thyroid med to wake him up to do his damn job. Then, she told me that my glucose was 103 which is borderline diabetic. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great! I'm overweight. I have high blood pressure, and I'm pre-diabetic. Following in my dad's footsteps, or what? This is so not cool.

Thanks, Body. Im awake now. Im listening.

I told Dr Singh that I think several things are causing my weight gain lately:

1) I became a vegetarian at the first of the year, and, unfortunately, I run into situations where my choices aren't the healthiest. Example: at the 'Canes game, my choices were fries, cheese sticks, or a pretzel. Not much for dinner options.

2) I'm skating my butt off, burning a hell of a lot of calories, and I come home starving. In such a state, I'm liable to eat anything not nailed down.

In addition to the above recent struggles, I've just totally lost my self control again when it comes to food. Unfortunately, in spite of making good food choices for most of the day, later, I often lose my mind and eat the equivalent of 2 bowls of ice cream or lots of chocolate. Basically, I cancel out the good.
I find this all really scary that suddenly I'm facing two big conditions that are definitely influenced by my weight. I *know* that I have to get myself together. I lost nearly 40 lbs on Weight Watchers 2 years ago, and I was very happy with my weight for my wedding last year. Well, I can't wear any of those cute clothes that I bought/wore last year.

Eating well means planning ahead. Keeping healthy groceries at home, making good choices at restaurants, and exercising portion control.

I know how to lose weight. I know that I can do it. I've done it before! The hunger monster is eating at me this evening, but, if I ignore him, he will eventually lose his power over me.....and this will get easier.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!

I reinjured my hand last night. Yep, I sure did. I fell once, and which hand do you think I put down? Which fingers do you think touched the floor first? Yep, my right hand. Yep, my pinky & ring finger. Damnit!

Fortunately, it didnt hurt *too* bad. I mean, it hurt, but it wasnt like OUCH. I'm sure that as soon as my body felt my fingers touch the floor, it reacted and let my ass hit the floor a little harder than as to get my weight off my fingers quickly. Regardless, they started aching and swelling. When I woke up this morning, my knuckles are puffy again.

Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!

I'm not thinking that its a good idea for me to go to speed practice tonight. Then, again, I could go and just take it easy in the middle at my own pace. I didnt bring my skate bag with me to work so, if I decide to go, I've got to go home and get it.....which will make me a little late to the Ranch. Yippee.

On top of everything, I have PMS. I got teased at work AGAIN today for being a vegetarian. I swear, the joke is dead. Leave me alone, I dont eat meat. What business of it is yours??? Why do you care? Why are you fascinated with my diet???

Quick! Name 5 good things to remind myself that life is not all bad today:

1) I have the best husband in the world who is a great listener when I'm PMSing. So good that he can actually get a way with saying, "You're PMSing, right?" without being killed.

2) I have on snappy new jeans that I found on sale for $9.99 yesterday.

3) Seven layer burritos from Taco Hell are yummy and cheap.

4) The weather is beautiful. Sunny, but not too hot.

.....And last but NOT least....

5) I am skating again. I am 38 years old, and, after 25 years, Im back on wheels. This time, I'm a rollergirl.

Wanna add to the good things list?