I have a new training program. I'm skating outside in my 26 year old skates. Yes, you read that correctly......26 year old skates. At this point, ANYTHING is better than my R3s.

Last night, I took out my old boot skates that I got for my 12th birthday......don't do the math........and put my outdoor wheels on them. Also, I had to use a Vise Grip (literally!) to loosen my trucks. After I got the skates adjusted, I went outside to the street next to my house and started skating. The cool thing is that it's downhill going away from the house, and it is slightly uphill on the way back. After getting my legs under me on the strange terrain, I discovered that the best way to go down the hill was to slalom while throwing glances over my shoulder looking for cars (but practicing looking for the other team's jammer!). When I got to the bottom of the hill, I would plow stop and do a few crossovers as I turned around to start back towards the house. At that point, I would sprint as hard as I could back up the block.......which I can definitely use a lot of practice doing. Sprinting, that is. Hell, I can use a lot of practice doing a lot of things. Heh. I did this slalom down/sprint back pattern about 10-15 times.

I figure that by skating outside I will 1) challenge & strengthen my muscles in a way that will make skating indoors easier, and 2) avoid the humilation of skating like a big ole dumb ass (aka B.O.D.A.) at the Ranch until my new skates arrive.

I'm certainly not planning to *not* show up at the Ranch at all in the coming weeks, but I'm really tired of going to practice and taking 1 step forward, only to take 5 steps back. Regardless of how hard I try to fight my all my negative feelings (insecurities, self doubt, frustration, etc.), I've just been miserable with my derbiness over the past few months. I need something positive. I need to see some improvement in my skating before my little heart breaks.

I decided to sleep in this morning, and, with my hubby at TrinocCon, there was nothing to disturb me. Late morning sleeping seems to breed weird dreams. The dream that I had started with trying to get out of a house that some sort of zombies/monsters were in. I remember not having time to get everything that I needed, but I grabbed my cat Nikki. Then, the premise of the dream was that everyone, and I mean *everyone* had to leave their homes and flee something. I can't remember what the something was, but it wasn't good. I found my dad first, and then miraculously my whole family was reunited. People were living in camps and scraping to get by. Then, I saw a woman come into our 'area' and take Nikki! I ran as fast as my legs would take me and followed her into a building where a pregnant cat rescue had set up shop.

"Pregnant? My cat's not pregnant!", I yelled. "She's 19, and her tummy skin is just droopy!" The lady apologized and I left with Nikki.

Later in the dream, it came to my attention that Nikki was being cared for at another makeshift vet for losing all but one of her toes on one foot. I raced there only to find that it wasn't Nikki at all. She was fine. She was back at the camp safe in her carrier.

Heh. It's funny. Dreams seem so scary when they are still in your head. When you type them out, they seem really stupid. However, I often have dreams of trying to find Nikki or save Nikki or something Mom-ish about Nikki along those lines. My Mom said that she often has had similar dreams over the years of my sister, brother, & I. It must be a Mom thing.

Anyway, when I woke up to the phone, I was so happy to find that raggedy old cat laying next to me. I thanked my husband for calling and waking me from my terrible dream.

I started working on my front page and realized that it sounds more like blog material so I'm pasting it here:

My derby helmet has a sticker on it that reads, "Destined to be an old woman with no regrets." That's me. I have some from when I was younger that I can't undo. Not big ones and not really regrets per se, but more like things that I wish I'd done (like study abroad, or move away from Raleigh and live on my own). I don't want to do those things now, but I didn't do them when I wanted to.

I've always been known as kind of wacky. I guess it started because I'm the youngest in my family. I'd take most any dare and do anything to get attention (lick my sister's shoe, eat a page of notebook paper, jump anything on my bike, climb any tree, etc.). Unfortunately, growing up makes you calm down a bit so I don't exactly eat notebook paper anymore, but I have been known to eat notes with things like credit card info on them. See? Kind of wacky? Today, I express a lot of my wackiness through my insane love for my cat & ferret. If you haven't seen the pages that I let them make, they are my first "friends" listed so go see for yourself.

I hung up my bellydancing scarf for my skates. I was a bellydancer for about 4 years and semi-professional (a few paying gigs) for about 2 years of that. Bellydancing consumed me. I listened to bellydance music almost exclusively, built a kick ass wardrobe, sweated my ass off at regular classes, studied under lots of big names at countless workshops, and I helped found a troupe. Regardless of how much I loved it, one day I realized the magick was gone. I fought it. I didn't want to stop dancing, derby stole my heart away. When the dust settled, I realized that I had been going through the motions with bellydancing for too long. Urmimala, the bellydancer, became LooseWheel Lucille, the rookie CRG.

I always said in college that I wouldn't work some stupid 8-5 job and I'd never work in corporate America. Well, I also said that I wanted to be a social worker. Ha ha. I wish that I could find the job that made me superhappy, but I had to settle a long time ago for the job that pays the bills and makes me reasonably happy. Believe it or not, I found that in accounting clerk jobs. You could not have told me in college that I would have EVER had to do anything with accounting. Oh, well...there are two sides of me, I guess; the people person and the task oriented box checker. I love to check the box.

I don't much like being 38. I wish that someone would give me the past 15 years back and let me spend them with my husband, instead of with the guys that broke my heart or alone. I wish that I had discovered derby when I was 23, not now when I feel the age limitations of my body. I wish that I had more time to be ready to have children. I wish that my parents weren't in their 70s.

This blog sounds more depressing than I feel. Really.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

Peanuts Glenwood

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother last name on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Goss Chocolate

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

S Lei or S Llo (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: ( favorite color, favorite animal)

Red Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Leigh Raleigh or Lloyd Raleigh (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) :

PhiOssNik
7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

Dyoll Ssog or Hgiel Ssog (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)


(Where the hell did #8 go?)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive/want)

The Red Mazda

Crap. I overslept and missed practice. The clocks are blinking in the house so I guess the power went off. I don't remember a storm so it seems kind of weird. Of course, I don't have a stupid backup battery in my alarm clock.

I was really looking forward to going to practice today because I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel (knocks on wood). Wednesday night, I loosened my trucks at the suggestion of someone on the roller_girls list, and it was one of the first times in a long time that I didn't fall. I felt much more in control.....still shakey & not as sturdy as I'd like to be.....but there was definitely an improvement. Ivanna told me to call her before I "kill" myself so I'm planning to call her this weekend to discuss my skates.

Also, with the travel team in Texas and last Tuesday's practice being dedicated to the new recruits, today's practice was going to be a skills practice of sorts. I was looking forward to it and to watching some scrimmaging. Oh, well---I'm planning on going to Sunday practice tomorrow for the first time in a long time. With 5 practices a week to choose from, I've been choosing to go to the ones where I could actually skate and concentrate on my own skate problems. Sundays had become very frustrating for me because it was nearly all scrimmaging which I can't do yet. Yes, I need to watch & learn, but I guess that I've been choosing to focus elsewhere. It's just how my little brain works, I guess. I can't really focus much on the game when I can't even freaking skate like I think I should yet.

Well, that's enough first-thing-in-the-morning rambling. I'm going to go get on with my day.