Saturday, June 16, 2007

Well, no real change with Nikki yet. Sometimes it seems like maybe she is seeing more movement or recognizing faster where we are in the room. Then again, it could either be our imagination/wishiful thinking or just her amazing feline ability to adapt and fake it. For the most part she has just gone on about her business in spite of this blindness until last night.

Last night, she cried out for me from the bedroom, a different cry than I've heard from her before. I picked her up and brought her back to the den with us, and she continued to soulfully cry in my arms. It didn't seem to be pain nor did it seem to be confusion. I have to wonder if she's just sad. Sad that she can't see.....or hear. Then a short while later, she got sick a bit which is no surprise since the vet told me to give her her subcu fluids a day the old girl was a bit dehydrated and the acid reflux kicked in. I concluded that the crying had been related to not feeling good after all.

Unfortunately, the soulful crying seems to be a trend. She cried out to me from her food bowl as we got into bed. I gently blew in her direction (so she'd know where I was), and she came on over and settled down for sleep. However, she cried out in the night a lot for no apparent reason.....and she didn't appear to be in any pain, just some sort of unrest. Finally, I brought the heating pad to bed with us, and that definitely helped because I didn't hear a peep out of her after that.

It's weird, but she's been strangely quiet since Wednesday night when this all started. I'm guessing that if you're a cat in the wild and you can't hear nor see then you don't make a lot of noise so as to not draw attention to yourself. However, now that a few days have passed, she's figured out that if she cries out then Mom & Dad come running.

Her appetite is great, and she's doing all her normal things.....except that I don't think she walks around the house near as much (which wasn't a lot) as she did when she could see. She mainly stays in the bedroom in her bed, but we bring her into the den with us in the evenings.

We have a followup appt with the vet today to check her blood pressure again. I am so hopeful that the vet will see improvement in her eyes, but I don't know if any change could be detected at this point. It's only been 3 days.

I am so scared that this is the beginning of the end. I am so scared that she won't recover from this, and that her quality of life will take a nosedive. I'm not ready for this. I never will be. She is my child. I know that a lot of people can't understand that, but she is. I just can't imagine life without her. Instead of enjoying each day that I have with her, I am always so freaking worried about losing her. What fun is that? Why can't I just take it one day at a time? My evil mind can concoct all these awful scenarios of her dying, finding her dead, life without her, etc. Cruel thoughts, get out of my head.