She's gone. My sweet kitty of the past 10 years & 8 months is gone from this earth. She was 20 years old this past April.

The word "devastated" does not even begin to describe how I feel. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worse enemy. It feels like "fight or flight", but you can't do either.

I swear, marriage is give and take. Marriage is compromise. Marriage has its ups and downs. I learn more about it all the time. If people treat marriage like a relationship then yeah---when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I don't look at marriage that way. Nobody is perfect, and I believe that marriages go through stages where you get along better or worse. However, as long as you love each other and keep that in focus, I truly believe that everything will be okay in the long run.

Marriage is like an investment in fact. When I was doing my 401-K stuff yesterday at work, I was reminded of that whole high risk vs low risk depending on how many years that you have until retirement. Marriage is like that....and it's a high risk, agressive stock. There's a potential for big losses and big gains, but, over time, it's uphill, baby.

(excerpt from a discussion with a friend)

Good news!

We just got home from the vet, and Nikki's retinas appear to be reattaching. The vet said that she totally expects her to regain her sight. I cannot believe it! I am so happy.

Also, Nikki's blood pressure dropped from the horrible 240 on Thursday to 180 today....which is still high, but much better. We are doubling her dose of amlodipine, and she has another appt next Saturday for a recheck.

Well, no real change with Nikki yet. Sometimes it seems like maybe she is seeing more movement or recognizing faster where we are in the room. Then again, it could either be our imagination/wishiful thinking or just her amazing feline ability to adapt and fake it. For the most part she has just gone on about her business in spite of this blindness until last night.

Last night, she cried out for me from the bedroom, a different cry than I've heard from her before. I picked her up and brought her back to the den with us, and she continued to soulfully cry in my arms. It didn't seem to be pain nor did it seem to be confusion. I have to wonder if she's just sad. Sad that she can't see.....or hear. Then a short while later, she got sick a bit which is no surprise since the vet told me to give her her subcu fluids a day late.....so the old girl was a bit dehydrated and the acid reflux kicked in. I concluded that the crying had been related to not feeling good after all.

Unfortunately, the soulful crying seems to be a trend. She cried out to me from her food bowl as we got into bed. I gently blew in her direction (so she'd know where I was), and she came on over and settled down for sleep. However, she cried out in the night a lot for no apparent reason.....and she didn't appear to be in any pain, just some sort of unrest. Finally, I brought the heating pad to bed with us, and that definitely helped because I didn't hear a peep out of her after that.

It's weird, but she's been strangely quiet since Wednesday night when this all started. I'm guessing that if you're a cat in the wild and you can't hear nor see then you don't make a lot of noise so as to not draw attention to yourself. However, now that a few days have passed, she's figured out that if she cries out then Mom & Dad come running.

Her appetite is great, and she's doing all her normal things.....except that I don't think she walks around the house near as much (which wasn't a lot) as she did when she could see. She mainly stays in the bedroom in her bed, but we bring her into the den with us in the evenings.

We have a followup appt with the vet today to check her blood pressure again. I am so hopeful that the vet will see improvement in her eyes, but I don't know if any change could be detected at this point. It's only been 3 days.

I am so scared that this is the beginning of the end. I am so scared that she won't recover from this, and that her quality of life will take a nosedive. I'm not ready for this. I never will be. She is my child. I know that a lot of people can't understand that, but she is. I just can't imagine life without her. Instead of enjoying each day that I have with her, I am always so freaking worried about losing her. What fun is that? Why can't I just take it one day at a time? My evil mind can concoct all these awful scenarios of her dying, finding her dead, life without her, etc. Cruel thoughts, get out of my head.

Today, I'm home with Nikki. When I got home about 7:30 last night, she couldn't see me. Her wide-eyed stare looked right past me, and she startled when I touched her. She could see light and some movement if it had color contrast, but she was blind. I did a quick google search and learned that sudden blindness is often high blood pressure so I gave her a dose of her old meds. Her pupils were HUGE (another symptom), and it was really sad to see her try to find her way around. She stepped right off the side of the bed. Later she walked right into me and also got lost in the den.

At the vet this morning, my hunch was correct.....high blood pressure. The doctor said that even for a "stressed" cat, her blood pressure was very high. (If someone shaved your tail and wrapped a cuff around it, you would be stressed too.) Plus, the doctor could see "it" in her eyes too....the pressure, I guess. We won't know for a week or so whether the blindness is permanent. :(

Anyway, I'm staying home with her so she doesn't hurt herself. I can't imagine not being able to see nor hear. The vet said that I was very smart to give her a dose of her blood pressure med last night. However, I can't help feeling the guilt of any normal parent for taking her off her blood pressure meds. However, when you have an ornery 20 yo cat, you can't give them every medicine on the planet. It's kind of a give & take. Nikki takes a liquid daily to battle...um, constipation, and she gets her subcutaneous fluids every 3 days. Everything you do to her is a drama (cut nails, clean ears, brush her under parts, etc.). You have to find that balance between doing what you can to help her, but not doing so much that she's miserable and hides from you constantly. I stopped doing the blood pressure meds a few months ago, and I discussed it with the vet when she went in a few weeks ago for coughing/wheezing. Basically, I took a chance on stopping her meds because, having only had her blood pressure checked once over a year ago, how reliable could the reading be after a year? Plus, to check the blood pressure is stressful to a cat so how accurate is the reading in the first place? It was a gamble, but then again it's all about give & take. (The coughing/wheezing was determined to be probably caused by acid reflux related to the kidney problem. Since then she's been taking a pill 2x day to calm her tummy, and it has definitely helped.)

So today at the vet, she got a shot of Lasix (diuretic) and two meds were called in. She's resting comfortably now, but I'm just waiting & praying for any sign that she can see me.

Today sucked. Our accounting system was down at work so I couldn't do any data entry today. By the early late afternoon, I was out of mind with boredom. I had played with the paper on my desk as much as I possibly could. On top of everything, I got to work and realized that I had PMS. Today, I hated the girls that I work with. On good days, I have good reason to hate them, but somehow I usually make it through the day with a smile on my face. I just tried to stay to myself today, but then that meant that I stayed in my head.....which wasn't a pleasant place to be today.

I was arranging the "linen closet" today, as my family always called it. Not sure if that's common or not. :P You know, the closet that you keep the towels, sheets, table cloths, etc in. Anyway, I came across Eomer's favorite afghan. His afghan was pink & burgandy, very loosely knitted, and a wedding present from a coworker. Eomer fell in love with it because he could literally burrow into it. The holes were big enough for him to crawl through. Finally, we quit keeping the afghan over the back of the couch. It was folded neatly in a corner of the den just for our bunky boy.

When he died in November, we simply put it away. I didn't want to wash it then because it was one of the only things left that we had that smelled like him. All these months that the afghan has been in the closet. Today, I took it out to refold it, and as I shook it out, I smelled Eomer. I shooked it out some more and pressed it to my face. I could still smell his musky, ferrrety scent. It made me cry and smile at the same time.

Reflections on my first season as a Caniac


As a very new hockey fan, I've had a lot to learn about hockey, the 'Canes, and sports in general this past season. I've never followed *any* sport religiously in my lifetime until now. Thanks to my Yankee hubby who first dragged my Southern butt to a game in 2002 and a few hockey games in the '05-'06 season, I'm hooked on hockey. We had season tickets this year in section 121 and will be returning next year.

And, no, I'm not a bandwagoner. This isn't a passing fancy for me. Yeah, so I first started to pay attention to the 'Canes during their Stanley Cup season, but that was purely coincidental. My husband had been saying for some time that he wanted to go to some 'Canes games, and I was, like, "whatever". My first hockey game ever was January 2002 when Francis was honored. I remember being struck by the insane love for this man that the audience displayed, but I was really lost trying to follow the game. I'm glad that I love my husband so much, or I probably wouldn't have gone to another game. Thanks to him, I gave hockey another chance during the Stanley Cup run, and I caught some of the fever. Now, after being a season ticket holder for the '06-'07 season, I am a full blooded Caniac.

Last night's game was such an awesome way to end the season. Of course, it would have been nicer to be headed to the playoffs, but at least we ended on a good note. My hubby & I stayed after the game (for the first time), hoping to get his jersey signed by Walker. Sadly, Walker was one of the players that drove on by last night. (We both love Walker and really hope that he plays for the 'Canes next year.) Meanwhile, Andrew got his new spiffy Chevy 'Canes hat signed by Vasicek, Cole, Commie, Ladd, Wesley, Brind'Amour, Laviolette, Wallin, Seidenberg, Whitney, & Tanabe. Of course, I was hoping to see my boy Staal, but he whizzed by as well. Honestly, I didn't get any autographs because it just didn't feel right. I can't tell you exactly under what circumstances it will feel right, but it wasn't last night freezing in a long line. I guess when I get an autograph, I hope to have time to feel like I actually get to meet/talk with the player. Last night seemed too much like an assembly line for my taste.

Standing back & a few feet away from the fans eager for autographs, I enjoyed hanging with my dear friend Bethe and seeing the players up close. Cole was sporting a sweet purple tie and I told him so which made him look all shy and say, "Oh, yeah. Thanks". I told Tanabe "thanks for your goals tonight". When Commie came by, I yelled to him that I wasn't a "hockey virgin" anymore, but he had no reaction. My husband said Commie didn't hear me, but the guy next to him did and said, "Heh. Yeah, good thing that Grahame didn't hear that. He'd fix that for you." Har har. Ray Whitney was last to come down the line, and the mostly quiet crowd errupted into a cheer of "Ray must stay! Ray must stay!". He was all humble and said that he'd may sure to tell Rutherford that we said that.

Being a season ticket holder is like a part-time job. There are a lot of regular season home games to go to between October & April. This season, there were 41 homes games, and I think I probably made it to 36 of those games. Most games were on weeknights it seemed so there were a lot of times that I left work and drove straight to our meeting place in the parking lot. When the weather got nice, we tailgated a few times....nothing too fancy, just beer and sandwiches. I think we need to buy a small grill for next year so we can cook up some burgers & veggie burgers.

Regardless of the time investment involved, I'm going to miss going to the games. It's going to be a long 5 1/2 months until the next 'Canes home game. In the meantime, there are always the playoffs. Thank God that I said yes when Andrew wanted to buy the 1/2 season of Center Ice channel.

Man, I'm going to miss those Mamma Mia's panzonis at the RBC too.

Go, 'Canes! I believe.

Did you know that your uvula can swell????

Yes, it can, and I learned the hard way yesterday. Despite the sound of the word, uvula is NOT a girly part. It's that little flap of skin that hangs down in the back of your throat. Heh. Everybody has a uvula.

I have allergies, and I guess I'm allergic to tree pollen. A week ago yesterday, I started getting sick. It trailed along through the week moving from my chest to my nose. I bought stock in Puffs, and I swear by Robitussin.

Anyway, this past weekend was totally shot because I felt like total crap. My hubby was out of town at a D&D con so my cat & I did a lot of laying around, watching tv, and lap-topping. When I got up Sunday morning, my throat felt really dry. After drinking water didn't alleviate the problem, I got a mirror to look at my throat.

ACK!!!! My uvula was HUGE!!!! It was bulbous and hanging down almost to my tongue. Yikes!!! I could feel it when I swallowed!!!!

"What's wrong with me?", I thought. "I'm having an allergic reaction, and it's going to swell so big that I'm going to choke."

Straight to the laptop I went and googled "swollen uvula". I found this site which was immediately helpful and comforting. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/3345/the_uvula.html Among the possible reasons for this condition, Allergies could have indeed caused it, or dehydration, or mouth breathing, or snoring. All four of those described me.

Regardless of my worse fears being debunked, I texted my hubby asking him if there was anyway that he could come home earlier than he had planned. Immediately, he called, and I told him all about my swollen uvula and that I just needed him to come home. Then, I think I had the closest thing to a panic attack that I've ever had. I was hyperventilating and I couldn't talk. My husband knows me well enough to know that my nerves were getting the best of me. He soothed my fears with calming words, and I finally got myself together. Then, he told me that he was already committed to playing until 6pm with a group that was counting on him.....well, counting on his character's abilities. :P I understood. Really, I did. I just wanted him to be home sooner than 9pm because I missed him. Oh, well....

I decided to call my mom & dad who live across town to take them up on their offer to bring over lunch. I had talked to my mom several times the day before, and she was chomping at the bit to *do* something. I think that woman would have brought me absolutely any food that I wanted. Honestly, I just didn't want to eat anything fancy, but I sure didn't want anything that I had in the house. I just wanted some veg soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, and some ice cream.

Before long, Mom & Dad arrived. I planted Dad on the couch in front of the tv and gave him the remote. Mom & I put together my lunch, and they even brought me fresh pineapple from Hawaii that my brother had just had shipped to Mom for her birthday. It was awesome. Despite my having a rocking headache, we had a nice visit. I showed Mom my uvula which had gone down somewhat from the ibuprophen & all the water that I drank.

I swear, I think Mom & Dad cured me. After they left, I progressively felt better, and, believe it or not, today I went to work and only had residual symptoms.

Oh, and my uvula's back to its normal size.

I have truly lost my Chucks-loving mind.

As someone who has slightly wide feet and an especially high instep, I got to where I didn't even try on shoes that weren't marked W or C. Of course, this has limited my shoe buying choices for about the past 15 years or so. Therefore, I had never had a pair of Converse All Stars aka Chuck Taylors.

Last summer I noticed one of the other roller girls changing into lo-top black Chucks after practice. I thought they looked really cute on her. It was also like I was seeing Chucks for the first time. Not long after, I was shopping in TJ Maxx when I found hi-top olive green Chucks with pink trim on sale for $19.99. Just for fun, I tried them on and the FIT!!!!!!!!!! It was love at first sight. They felt so good on my feet!

For several months, I was content to enjoy my one pair. Then one day, I decided that I needed a pair just to wear to the 'Canes games. You know....to trek back and forth to the car from the RBC Center....especially through those stupid muddy parking lots. I found double tongue lo-tops in black with red accents on Zappos for $37, and they became my official game going sneaks.

Then, I really can't explain what happened. A few weekends ago, I found myself on Ebay & Shoes.com & Shoemall.com & Amazon.com & Converse.com, and now I have 3 more pairs and two on the way! I haven't paid over $30 (including shipping) for any, except one pair. 4 out of the 5 pairs came from Ebay and are either totally brand new with tags in the original box or only slightly worn. First came the virgin cranberry/parchment striped hi-tops from Shoes.com ($40).....then, the pink & green lo-tops slightly used from a lady in OR ($30.85).....then, the brand new chocolate brown hi-tops with a pink eyelet overlay from someone in Texas ($29.19).....the worn-once pale pink lo-tops with pale pink eyelet overlay are on the way from some lady whose daughter couldn't wear them ($19.25)....and I just won a pair of lo-top whites from a lady in Brevard NC for $18.50!!!

In a few short weeks, I went from 2 pairs of Chucks to 7 pairs of Chucks.

Love them!
Love them!
Love them!!!

I know that I'm not alone in my obsession. I don't feel bad about buying all of these either because...well, I'm not really a shopper-type so I don't spend a lot of money at the mall. Me? I love a bargain....and that's what I've been getting PLUS super comfie cool shoes.

I went to my first bellydance workshop in a YEAR this past weekend, and it felt like coming home. I really enjoyed myself and learned a super cool choreo from Blue Moon Dance Company. If I want to, I can perform it with the rest of the workshop attendants on Feb 10 at the Blue Moon hafla. Right now, I'm not pushing myself to do anything; I'll just wait and see how I feel. Luna & I have planned to get together and practice in the meantime.

In other news, I've contacted a local cat shelter to pursue volunteering there. I quit the SPCA early last year when I started derby because it conflicted with practice time. I've really missed hanging with kitties.....lots of kitties. I'll be going to the new shelter this week for a tour & training. I'm really excited because it sounds like this shelter will offer me more hands on experience.

Meanwhile, I miss skating. I really do, and it saddens me that I never passed level one nor did I ever scrimmage. I did have a good time though, and I built up some killer leg muscles like I'd never had before. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I wish that derby had been around when I was in my 20s....not that I don't think a 38/39 yo me couldn't ever do derby. Let's be honest.... I gave up on derby. However, I just feel like derby would have fit into my life better when I was younger, and the physical part wouldn't have been so challenging either. Oh, well.....I'll just have to be a derby queen in my next life.

2007.

I will be 40 years old this year, and my cat will turn 20. Weird.

It's hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I left my favorite job ever. Gone are the days of that comfortable job at which I excelled, among people that I knew well & mostly loved, and for a boss that I adored. A year ago, I was unemployed, and it took me nearly 2 mos to find a job. Strangely, I accepted a job as the sole accounts payable clerk for a small, but growing, company, and I had sworn after working at Hellhole Inc in 2000-2002 that I would NEVER do a/p again. Plus, the company is in Durham, and I said that I didn't want to fight 40 traffic after doing it for years in the '90s. Regardless, this job has turned out to be pretty damn good. I had my end of year review and got a glowing review and a huge bonus. I really like the people that I work with & for, and it feels more like a "work family" every day.

Shortly after 2006 started, I found derby and started skating with CRG on Feb 5th. I had some really good times, and I pushed myself harder physically than I ever have in my life. I was out to prove to myself that I could do it. I could be athletic again after sitting my fat ass at a desk all these years with light bellydancing on the side. Sadly, my life as a derby girl was short-lived. After many bitter disappointments and setbacks, my heart just wasn't in it any more. I still have to fight feeling like a failure for quitting, but I know every day that it was the right decision for me. And, I am forever grateful to those derby bitches who supported me & my decision and reminded me that, if I changed my mind, I could always come back and try out.

At the start of 2006, I finally became a vegetarian, after toying with the idea for years. It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it would be. I acknowledged to myself and others that this choice was a personal one and not one that others could judge me for. Therefore, on occasion, I did eat meat last year, but only 3x. Once was the first week of January when I attempted to make a vegetarian version of a chicken dish and failed, once was a can of chicken soup when I had bronchitis, and once was a sausage that I impulsively ate with friends at the beach. Not bad for a first year. I don't miss meat at all really.

I have some goals for this year:

1) I want to reach a healthy weight by the time that I turn 40 in November. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I know that it's possible.
2) I want to choose to use more cruelty-free products. It's going to take some research to determine which companies do NOT engage in / contribute to / benefit from animal testing.
3) I want for Andrew & I to see a financial planner to help us get on track to buy a house in the next few years and to secure our future together is comfortable.

Just some thoughts that I've having today. Wishing you all a Happy New Year!