A present from my sweetie. My own domain name.

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April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23.

I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005.

Finally, after being engaged for almost 6 months and accomplishing nothing in terms of wedding planning, Andrew & I signed a contract with the Castle today. I think I'm in shock mostly. Wonder what people will ask me now.

Probably......

"Have you found a dress yet?"

ARGH!

Anyway, my "un" anniversary is this Friday. Maybe Andrew & I should go to dinner to celebrate.

Well, I won't be going to the bellydance workshop that I signed up for when the Bellydance Superstars (BDS) tour comes through, nor will I be seeng the show. :(

I just found out this morning that my brother who is a major in the Army got orders to go to Hawaii for 3 years. He's leaving on March 13, and the family will follow after school is out. Could be worse, I know, but it's just so far away....especially compared to SC.

He has invited me & my fiance down along with my parents for a visit on the first weekend of March....which is the BDS weekend. There is no other weekend that I can go see him. He's not home this weekend, I can't go Feb 28/29 because of another local workshop for which I've already paid $90 registration, and then he leaves the next weekend.

I guess that I'll have to either sell my registration & show ticket or be out of $65 unless its refundable....which I doubt. Doesn't matter either way---my brother is worth way more than $65.

I know that Hawaii is a much better assignment than, say, IRAQ! I can be thankful that he's not being sent there. Plus, Andrew & I can take great vacations to go see them. :) Sadly though, this may mean that they may not be able to make it to my wedding.....depends on how much it will cost for all of them to fly. Of course, the Army would pay for HI to CA because you can just hop an Army plane, but then you'd have to pay for CA to NC.

The sad thing is that I kind of knew that this was going to happen....or at least I feared that it would. The Army took my brother far away for schools and for duty starting when I was 15. He was in Germany when I graduated high school so he missed the ceremony which seemed like a bigger deal then. He was able to make it to my college graduation because they were stationed at Bragg at the time. I missed his wedding in Germany because I was in college, and my parents couldn't really afford to pay for 3 tickets. Now, he may miss my wedding.

I guess that I'd better get off my butt and find a place and pick a date soon. Hopefully, he and his family will be able to come.

He's the best brother in the world.

300.40 Neurotic depression.


Great. Another wonderful mental health diagnosis. I thought that I had already fought this war, but it seems that the enemy has changed....sort of.


I thought when I left the psych eval appt that I had anxiety, but, when I got the doctor's paperwork for billing, my diagnosis code was 300.4. So...off to the internet I went, and here's what I came up with:


First of all, the class of 300 diagnoses is Neurotic Disorders........


"The distinction between neurosis and psychosis is difficult and remains
subject to debate. However, it has been retained in view of its wide use.
Neurotic disorders are mental disorders without any demonstrable organic basis
in which the patient may have considerable insight and has unimpaired reality
testing, in that he usually does not confuse his morbid subjective experiences
and fantasies with external reality. Behavior may be greatly affected
although usually remaining within socially acceptable limits, but personality
is not disorganized. The principal manifestations include excessive anxiety,
hysterical symptoms, phobias, obsessional and compulsive symptoms, and
depression."

Great.


Now, for my specific diagnosis of Neurotic Depression.......


"A neurotic disorder characterized by disproportionate depression which has
usually recognizably ensued on a distressing experience; it does not include
among its features delusions or hallucinations, and there is often
preoccupation with the psychic trauma which preceded the illness, e.g., loss
of a cherished person or possession. Anxiety is also frequently present and
mixed states of anxiety and depression should be included here. The
distinction between depressive neurosis and psychosis should be made not only
upon the degree of depression but also on the presence or absence of other
neurotic and psychotic characteristics and upon the degree of disturbance of
the patient's behavior."


Wow. Is that me? I wonder if my dx will change. I mean, how well can a doc diagnose you when he spends an hour with you?


The more that I think about it, I do have a problem with anxiety.....but it sure has felt like depression. Funny---you think you'd recognize one or the other in your own self! I wonder how long that I've had a problem with anxiety. Was I misdiagnosed in 1996? Was I anxious as a child when I used to have those weird night thoughts about "not being able to finish something". My parents were baffled as was I. I couldn't explain to them what was upsetting me when I got out of bed and came to them. All that I could say was that I felt like I wasn't able to finish something.


Stress in general freaks me out. I hate change of any sort because of the stress & apprehension that it brings.


No wonder that I worried so much about the long line when I was on register at Chick-fil-a in 1984.


No wonder that I freak out before my bellydancing performances.


No wonder that I get strangely overwhelmed when Andrew & I go to NY, and I have to deal with the uncertainties of travel, the awkwardness of in-laws-to-be, and the vastness of NYC.


No wonder that I nearly lost my mind when I worked at Hellhole, Inc. when the stack of work on my desk NEVER ceased to exist.


No wonder that I worry about money so much.


No wonder that I lie in bed and worry that my parents will die or Nikki will die or something will happen to Andrew, etc.


No wonder that the thought of planning my own wedding is freaking me out.


No wonder that sometimes life is so overwhelming that I don't want to leave the house.


Wow...it's really easy to write this list. That's scary.


Hidesight is 20/20, huh?






I have shared a lot of myself in this post, and I'm going to hold my head up and hit "post & publish". Mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of, and I refuse to hide this.

Life is funny, you know?


Two Saturdays ago, Andrew & I went to a ferret club meeting for the first time in about 6 mos. We had hoped that it would be fun for our remaining ferret to have friends to play with. Cleopatra (aka Baby Girl, said "BB Girl" or just "B") has been really lonely now that Max is gone. Well, she wanted nothing to do with those 41 other ferrets. She stayed in her carrier and nipped at anyone who tried to come in to say "hello". We finally just shut the door to give her some privacy. Poor sweet girl.


While at the meeting, we were approached by the Queen Shelter Mom who asked if we would take two sable boys to foster. The shelter currently had 102 ferrets, and she had no room. We met the boys, and they were so sweet. Sadly, their last owner had thought that they were girls! I mean, honestly, ferrets don't have the biggest penises, but how would you like to be a guy and be called "Momma" or "Baby"?? Yep--those were their names. They lived in Durham in a cage on a balcony! I'm really glad that we are able to give them a better home than that.


So...we brought them home, set up the second cage, and settled in to be the best foster parents ever. :)


By the end of day 2, the older one got sick and, by the end of Day 3, the other one was sick too. They wouldn't eat, and nothing would stay down or in, if you know what I mean. We had to feed them Pedialyte and wet food with a syringe several times a day. It was like having a baby....something totally dependent on you for life. That night, we decided on their names: Theoden & Eomer, as in King Theoden from the Lord of the Rings trilogy and his nephew Eomer.


On Day 3, Theoden went to the vet, and, then, again, on Day 6 because he wasn't improving. (Thankfully, Eomer was only sick for one day.) Theoden got meds to take 2x a day at the second vet visit. Thankfully, the vet didn't think that he had an obstruction; he just thought he was stressed out from changing owners. Basically, he & Eomer went from this woman who had them 3 mos to the shelter volunteer for a few days and then to us.


The cool thing was that we noticed how much Theoden reminded us of our ferret Gandalf who passed away in October, and, strangely, Eomer reminds us somewhat of Max who passed away Jan 3. Weird, I tell you, and downright eerie sometimes.


Last night, Andrew & I were sitting on the couch eating dinner on our little tv dinner tables. Theoden & Eomer were in the playpen in the middle of the floor. Theoden came out of his cozy Coke box where he had been napping and sniffed the air. He wanted our chicken. We gave him a tiny piece and he ate it! Then, we got him some banana (which Gandalf used to love) and he ate that too. It was a start. After 9 days of feeding him everything that he ate or drank, finally Theoden ate!


Today, he's fine. King Theoden recovered from his bout of "shelter shock". Now, if we can just get Cleo to be nice. She's not been very welcoming to her new brothers. These things take time though.

Sadness.

In less than 3 months, Andrew & I have lost 2 of our 3 ferrets. I must tell this story from the beginning so go with me back to October.

Gandalf

Sunday, October 12th: Andrew & I did yard work until about noon. When I came in, I found our oldest ferret Gandalf in the bottom of his cage near death. He was laying in his own waste and was barely responding. We rushed him to Animal Emergency Clinic where they started him on fluids and discovered an infection in his bladder (basically it was filled with pus). We left him for testing & x-rays. Further testing yielded no masses internally but one of his kidneys was enlarged.....probably the infection had spread up from the bladder. Also, the cause of the black tarry stool that was literally hanging out of his bottom was probably an ulcer. (You learn something every day, right? Black tarry stools indicate internal bleeding.) They pumped him with antibiotics.

We went & visited him that night at the clinic where he spent the night. He did seem a bit better, but he wasn't out of the woods. The next morning, we picked him up at 7am and transferred him to his regular vet. His regular vet confirmed our fears that Gandalf had the dreaded adrenal disease and said that his condition was "grave to poor". Because of his age, he wasn't a candidate for surgery so only time would tell. We left him there for the day and they monitored his condition.

That night (Monday), we picked him up and brought him home. The only reason that we got to bring him home is that we were comfortable with giving him his meds & fluids and taking his temperature. We set up a pallet of towels on the den floor. G could barely walk so there was little concern that he could go anywhere. Our cat who usually has no use for any of the ferrets must have realized that Gandalf was very sick. She stayed her distance but sat calmly nearby in the den. Andrew spent the night by his side. I got up every few hours to check on them.

Tuesday morning, Gandalf returned to the vet for the day. I was so hopeful that his hanging on so long was a good sign. Andrew said that he dozed off once during the previous night and woke to find G several feet away. Unfortunately, it was his last hurrah.

When Andrew brought him home from the vet Tuesday afternoon, moments after I got home from work, it was obvious that G was getting worse by the minute. Before going to the vet, Andrew talked to the vet, and the situation wasn't good but we were bringing him home for the night again....hoping he would respond to our love & care. By the time that Andrew arrived at the vet, the doc had already left for the day and G was having tiny seizures. The vet techs said that maybe his sugar was low since he had refused to eat for them, and that we should try to get some Nutri-cal in him. He had basically been unresponsive for the vet techs & the vet all day so we hope that maybe he'd respond to us like he usually does.

I held him in my arms wrapped in a towel in the middle of the den floor and managed to get several doses of Nutri-cal in his mouth. He seemed to swallow, but the seizures continued & worsened.

Finally, we called the vet to see how long that we should let him seize like this....and we learned that he was now "cluster seizing" which indicates that the body is shutting down. We made the decision to take him to the emergency clinic where this all began Sunday and have him put to sleep.

They gave him an injection and put him in Andrew's arms, and we rocked him and rubbed him and told him how much we loved him and to just let go. It took several minutes for his body to stop seizing and then he simply stopped breathing. He looked so peaceful.

At about 6pm, Oct 14th, Gandalf "Mousehead" Phillips gently passed away. We took him home, let Max, Cleo, & Nikki tell him "goodbye", and buried him in the back yard under a nice oak tree.

Max

Andrew & I got home from a week in NY around 11:30pm Friday night. We found Max in the sleepy sack with Cleo, but immediately it was clear that something was wrong. He looked just like G did back in October. He was limp, unresponsive, and dehydrated. We rushed him to the Animal Emergency Clinic.

X-rays were inconclusive but showed that he had something in his intestines. The doctor feared that he may have eaten something that he shouldn't have. His was too unstable to do surgery so the plan was that we would leave him at the clinic, and, if he became stable, she would do the surgery. Otherwise, we'd pick him up in the morning to transfer him to his regular vet.

We went in to tell Max "goodnight". He was wrapped in towels, lying on a table with an iv in his leg. He was still very unresponsive. He didn't look like himself. He looked so much like Gandalf.

As Andrew & I talked to him and petted him, Andrew became aware that he was no longer breathing. We quickly told the vet & vet tech. They checked him, and he had, in fact, passed on. Even though we had agreed to a "no resuscitate" order in our absence, as we stood there, I blurted out to Andrew, "Shouldn't we at least try?"

The doctor didn't hesitate and began to administer CPR. Andrew & I watched in horror. I fell to my knees, praying, and sending all the healing vibes that I could muster to our little friend. "Max", I whispered, "Max. Max. Max".

Dr Watkins did all she could, but about 1:30am, Jan 3, Max "PossumHead" Phillips went to be with Gandalf....and Serina whom we lost in May 2002.

We brought him home, let Cleo & Nikki say goodbye to him, and buried him next to G. We have only one ferret now. Our girlferret Cleopatra. Poor thing. No one to sleep with. No one to play with. We've spent a lot of time with her for the past two days. At times, she seems to look for him.

It all seems so unreal. It happened so fast. He didn't look like himself at all so it's hard to believe that it was our sweet Max. We are still in shock.