Wednesday, August 07, 2002

I swear, what the hello-pete is wrong with me?

I spend so much of my days riddled with anxiety and worry. I'm thinking that this is a relatively-new, serious problem for me. Please, let me know if you think otherwise. Honest. I'm curious.

In years past, I've never thought of myself as a worrier. My mom has the corner on the market in that area in my family. However, I've definitely declined in the area in, oh, I'd say, about the past 2 years or so. In my defense, some of it comes from my perfectionistic (is that a word?) tendencies and some comes from my undeniable desire to be viewed as a good person.

Curious what kinds of things tug at my brain? Here's one of the biggest things on the current list:

Lately, I seem unable to keep in touch with all the folks in my life. I have always prided myself in being a person that never lets go of friends, regardless of where life's road took them. I wrote letters, made phone calls, sent cards, & shot emails to folks all over. I don't like to lose people who ever mattered in my life. These days, I've let a precious college friend down because I haven't been to see her nor her new baby that was born in September. In fact, I haven't even spoken to her in months. Meanwhile, I don't talk to my closest friends on the phone much anymore. I miss my old roommate who is in Indiana, but I haven't even dialed her number. I haven't seen some of my other girlfriends in weeks or even months. And there's my dear woodworking friend! And my college buddy who throws the best parties! I am so out of touch. There have been new relationships, passing flings, almost breakups, new jobs, lost jobs, & maybe even broken fingernails for which I've just been on the sidelines. I used to be a better friend than this, didn't I? What's wrong with me? Yeah, life changes, people change.....we're all busy. However, I don't feel OK about it. I feel that I'm letting people down.....that I should be somewhere that I'm not.......that I should have called when I didn't. No, I haven't had the best health in the past year or so. I'm getting a handle on some of it, but some of it continues to challenge me daily. I'm tired of it.

Am I depressed again, I worry. Should I call my therapist? Or should I call my thyroid doc or the gyno or the general practitioner? Why can't I just relax? Is this all in my head, or are there really folks out there genuinely hurting because of me?

I know that my life has changed in the past year. I met the man of my dreams, and we moved in together just last month. We are so happy. I don't know how, but he knows just what to say when I'm freaking. I just hate that I do this to him........freak out, that is. He shugs it off, but he is so good to me that I wish that I was, balanced.

Today, I chose to stay home from work because I hadn't read the paper in days, and I wanted to stay up late last night, and I needed to wash clothes, and I wanted to do exactly what *I* wanted to do. Mental health day, I guess, and I haven't had one in a long time. I have struggled for the past day or so to not just crawl in bed and cry. It just concerns me that things get to me like they do. I get SO overwhelmed by just general life stuff. I create this pressure within myself. No wonder I have IBS and migraines. So....maybe if I type a few things here, I'll feel better today.

Ms Carrboro, I miss you and I'm so happy that you found a job. Let's just you and me get together soon and get drunk.

Ms Indiana, I took out the recycling today and missed our old apartment. I think of you more than the numbers of emails that I send.

Ms BellydancingSister, I miss shaking my rump with you and hope all is well with the new roomie.

Ms AngelicFace, we still need to celebrate your birthday, just us two.

Ms MarriedOne, how long has it been? I miss you and Mr MarriedOne.

Ms Buffy, what I would do to be sitting on your porch sipping a nice glass of wine enjoying the lake and some Blossom Deary.

Mr Woodworker, I hear you have a roommate. What a deal soul, you are! I miss always being the first one to the bar with you.

Grandma, I'll call you soon.

***And, to all my other friends here and abroard in Philly & UK & Saudia Arabia, hello to you. I value your friendship too.***

For the record, I emailed that old college buddy to soften the shock of my calling her soon...............................

I'm trying. Sometimes, I just need to calm down and do one thing on my "list". I might read this post later and cringe because I poured out so much, but
that's me so I'm going to hit "post" now.

Love to all, snad