I have a new training program. I'm skating outside in my 26 year old skates. Yes, you read that correctly......26 year old skates. At this point, ANYTHING is better than my R3s.

Last night, I took out my old boot skates that I got for my 12th birthday......don't do the math........and put my outdoor wheels on them. Also, I had to use a Vise Grip (literally!) to loosen my trucks. After I got the skates adjusted, I went outside to the street next to my house and started skating. The cool thing is that it's downhill going away from the house, and it is slightly uphill on the way back. After getting my legs under me on the strange terrain, I discovered that the best way to go down the hill was to slalom while throwing glances over my shoulder looking for cars (but practicing looking for the other team's jammer!). When I got to the bottom of the hill, I would plow stop and do a few crossovers as I turned around to start back towards the house. At that point, I would sprint as hard as I could back up the block.......which I can definitely use a lot of practice doing. Sprinting, that is. Hell, I can use a lot of practice doing a lot of things. Heh. I did this slalom down/sprint back pattern about 10-15 times.

I figure that by skating outside I will 1) challenge & strengthen my muscles in a way that will make skating indoors easier, and 2) avoid the humilation of skating like a big ole dumb ass (aka B.O.D.A.) at the Ranch until my new skates arrive.

I'm certainly not planning to *not* show up at the Ranch at all in the coming weeks, but I'm really tired of going to practice and taking 1 step forward, only to take 5 steps back. Regardless of how hard I try to fight my all my negative feelings (insecurities, self doubt, frustration, etc.), I've just been miserable with my derbiness over the past few months. I need something positive. I need to see some improvement in my skating before my little heart breaks.

I decided to sleep in this morning, and, with my hubby at TrinocCon, there was nothing to disturb me. Late morning sleeping seems to breed weird dreams. The dream that I had started with trying to get out of a house that some sort of zombies/monsters were in. I remember not having time to get everything that I needed, but I grabbed my cat Nikki. Then, the premise of the dream was that everyone, and I mean *everyone* had to leave their homes and flee something. I can't remember what the something was, but it wasn't good. I found my dad first, and then miraculously my whole family was reunited. People were living in camps and scraping to get by. Then, I saw a woman come into our 'area' and take Nikki! I ran as fast as my legs would take me and followed her into a building where a pregnant cat rescue had set up shop.

"Pregnant? My cat's not pregnant!", I yelled. "She's 19, and her tummy skin is just droopy!" The lady apologized and I left with Nikki.

Later in the dream, it came to my attention that Nikki was being cared for at another makeshift vet for losing all but one of her toes on one foot. I raced there only to find that it wasn't Nikki at all. She was fine. She was back at the camp safe in her carrier.

Heh. It's funny. Dreams seem so scary when they are still in your head. When you type them out, they seem really stupid. However, I often have dreams of trying to find Nikki or save Nikki or something Mom-ish about Nikki along those lines. My Mom said that she often has had similar dreams over the years of my sister, brother, & I. It must be a Mom thing.

Anyway, when I woke up to the phone, I was so happy to find that raggedy old cat laying next to me. I thanked my husband for calling and waking me from my terrible dream.

I started working on my front page and realized that it sounds more like blog material so I'm pasting it here:

My derby helmet has a sticker on it that reads, "Destined to be an old woman with no regrets." That's me. I have some from when I was younger that I can't undo. Not big ones and not really regrets per se, but more like things that I wish I'd done (like study abroad, or move away from Raleigh and live on my own). I don't want to do those things now, but I didn't do them when I wanted to.

I've always been known as kind of wacky. I guess it started because I'm the youngest in my family. I'd take most any dare and do anything to get attention (lick my sister's shoe, eat a page of notebook paper, jump anything on my bike, climb any tree, etc.). Unfortunately, growing up makes you calm down a bit so I don't exactly eat notebook paper anymore, but I have been known to eat notes with things like credit card info on them. See? Kind of wacky? Today, I express a lot of my wackiness through my insane love for my cat & ferret. If you haven't seen the pages that I let them make, they are my first "friends" listed so go see for yourself.

I hung up my bellydancing scarf for my skates. I was a bellydancer for about 4 years and semi-professional (a few paying gigs) for about 2 years of that. Bellydancing consumed me. I listened to bellydance music almost exclusively, built a kick ass wardrobe, sweated my ass off at regular classes, studied under lots of big names at countless workshops, and I helped found a troupe. Regardless of how much I loved it, one day I realized the magick was gone. I fought it. I didn't want to stop dancing, derby stole my heart away. When the dust settled, I realized that I had been going through the motions with bellydancing for too long. Urmimala, the bellydancer, became LooseWheel Lucille, the rookie CRG.

I always said in college that I wouldn't work some stupid 8-5 job and I'd never work in corporate America. Well, I also said that I wanted to be a social worker. Ha ha. I wish that I could find the job that made me superhappy, but I had to settle a long time ago for the job that pays the bills and makes me reasonably happy. Believe it or not, I found that in accounting clerk jobs. You could not have told me in college that I would have EVER had to do anything with accounting. Oh, well...there are two sides of me, I guess; the people person and the task oriented box checker. I love to check the box.

I don't much like being 38. I wish that someone would give me the past 15 years back and let me spend them with my husband, instead of with the guys that broke my heart or alone. I wish that I had discovered derby when I was 23, not now when I feel the age limitations of my body. I wish that I had more time to be ready to have children. I wish that my parents weren't in their 70s.

This blog sounds more depressing than I feel. Really.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

Peanuts Glenwood

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother last name on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Goss Chocolate

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

S Lei or S Llo (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: ( favorite color, favorite animal)

Red Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Leigh Raleigh or Lloyd Raleigh (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) :

PhiOssNik
7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)

Dyoll Ssog or Hgiel Ssog (birth middle name vs legal middle name/maiden name)


(Where the hell did #8 go?)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive/want)

The Red Mazda

Crap. I overslept and missed practice. The clocks are blinking in the house so I guess the power went off. I don't remember a storm so it seems kind of weird. Of course, I don't have a stupid backup battery in my alarm clock.

I was really looking forward to going to practice today because I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel (knocks on wood). Wednesday night, I loosened my trucks at the suggestion of someone on the roller_girls list, and it was one of the first times in a long time that I didn't fall. I felt much more in control.....still shakey & not as sturdy as I'd like to be.....but there was definitely an improvement. Ivanna told me to call her before I "kill" myself so I'm planning to call her this weekend to discuss my skates.

Also, with the travel team in Texas and last Tuesday's practice being dedicated to the new recruits, today's practice was going to be a skills practice of sorts. I was looking forward to it and to watching some scrimmaging. Oh, well---I'm planning on going to Sunday practice tomorrow for the first time in a long time. With 5 practices a week to choose from, I've been choosing to go to the ones where I could actually skate and concentrate on my own skate problems. Sundays had become very frustrating for me because it was nearly all scrimmaging which I can't do yet. Yes, I need to watch & learn, but I guess that I've been choosing to focus elsewhere. It's just how my little brain works, I guess. I can't really focus much on the game when I can't even freaking skate like I think I should yet.

Well, that's enough first-thing-in-the-morning rambling. I'm going to go get on with my day.

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble?: Yep

Can you dance?: Sorta. I never felt like much of a dancer. Then, I took up bellydancing, and I did pretty damn good. Now, my dancing is bellydance-ish.

Can you do a cart wheel?: Used to, haven't tried in years

Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?: I don't think so---I don't eat a lot of cherries with stems so I haven't had many opportunities to try.

Can you touch your toes?: Yes. Hell, I can put my hands flat on the floor.

Can you whistle?: Yes, but only the normal way. No loud whistles like you could do and be heard at a concert.

Can you wiggle your ears?: Yeah

Can you wiggle your nose? Yep, but it's really my nostrils wiggling.

THE DIDS:

Did you ever get into a fight in school?: In general? of course; Physical? nope

Did you ever run away from home?: not really....I only threatened to when I was <10 and trying to get attention

Did you ever want to be a doctor?: Nope

Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: Nope

THE DO'S:

Do you believe in God?: Yes, but I'm not sure of the details.

Do you know how to swim?: Yep

Do you like roller coasters?: Not really. Thanks, Mom, for the motion sickness.

Do you own a bike?: Nope

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: No/No. I have a husband. Does that count?

THE DOES:

Does hair loss run in your family at all? No. My dad is 78 with a full head of beautiful white hair. Both my granddaddies had full hair at 75.

Does your car get good gas mileage?: It's okay. I get ~30 mpg on my '98 Honda Civic.

Does your family have picnics? Nope, but we used to when all the grandkids were little.


THE HAVES:

Have you ever been on a plane?: Many, many times

Have you ever asked someone out?: No **bok bok**

Have you ever been asked out by someone?: no, my hubby & I married without dating. Of course, I've been asked out. Holy shit! I'm 38! I would hope that I would have been asked out by someone. How old are the people that write these surveys?

Have you ever been to the ocean?: I've lived here my whole life, and it's only 2-3 hours away. You do the math.

Have you ever gone fishing?: Yes, but only twice. Both times, I got upset for the fish & for the bait. Yes, they have feelings too.

Have you ever painted your nails? yes

THE HOWS:

How did you find out about myspace?: through derby

How many people are on your friend's list?: 108sh

How many of them have you met in person?: about 75¥P>How many times has your profile been visited?: 732 since Feb

How tall are you?: 5'8"

How much money do you have on you right now?: some change

THE LASTS:

Last person you hung out with?: my hubby et al at the AFTER PARTY!

Last thing you said out loud?: "Yeah, I'm always running my mouth and forget to clock back in."

Last thing someone said to you?: "Pizza & ice cream are good even if you're not pregnant."

THE WHATS:

What are you listening to?: radio

What is the temperature outside?: disgusting 90-something

What radio station do you listen to?: mostly 93.9, 102.9, 88.1, & 106.1

What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Pizza Hut

What was the last thing you bought?: lunch buffet

What was the last thing you had to drink?: Diet Coke

What was the last t.v. show you watched?: Eastenders

What's up with your MySpace picture?: It's my first official derby pic

THE WHOS:

Who is your newest friend added to your myspace?: Sin City Roller Derby!

Who was the last person you IM'd?: Andrew, the only person that I'll IM outside of work

Who you talked to on the phone with last?: Andrew

Who was the last person you took pictures with?: my friends at the beach

Who is in your default picture?: Just me

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?: Eris Discordia

Who was the last person you said i love you to?: Andrew

I doubt anyone has NOT heard me bitch about my skates. If you don't know the story, you can read the footnote below.

Last Sunday at practice, Mange pointed out that the plate mounting on the heel of my left skate still looked too far to the left. I looked down and realized that she was right. I could see my whole freaking right back wheel but just a sliver of the left wheel. The right skate was only a little better. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Maybe because when I sent my skates back to Riedell, I thought they FIXED them because the plate looked centered when I looked down at my toes. I guess that I couldn't see my heel really because of my belly and my knee pads. :(

I have to be honest. I've been so discouraged lately that I've toyed with the idea of quitting. The only reason that I haven't is because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I quit. I *know* that I should be able to skate well. I *know* that I should be able to play roller derby. I don't expect to be the best CRGer ever. Hardly. But I *know* that I can do better than I've been doing. It has been hard to watch all my fellow rookies excel and be assigned to teams. I've been thrilled for them. Really. I am just anxious to join them. There are very few of us Level Zeros left, and there are very few girls not scrimmaging. There used to be comfort in numbers. Now, at practices, I am one of the few over to the side working on skills that I should have passed months ago. Yeah, sure....fresh meat is coming soon, but---no offense---I don't want to be in another 'class' of rookies after almost 6 months of skating. I want to be on a team playing with my rookie friends and my grannie friends!

Last night, I showed my skates to Tomahawk, and he said my plates were definitely still off! He couldn't believe that I could skate on them like they were. He was alarmed by the way that I can keep all four wheels on the floor in my left skate while standing on the side of my foot in my boot. It looked to me like the plate was buckling! I'm lucky that I haven't had a blow out, I guess. No more speed skating for me. He told me, and I quote, "You need to send those back to Ivanna and tell her that Riedell needs to give you new ones."

Validation.

I could have cried. I've had conversations with Tom previously about my skates, but that was before I sent them to be "fixed". He has been a tremendous help to me, and I trust his advice.

After practice, I took off my skates and Tom & I inspected them. They were frighteningly "wacked". Besides the off centered mounting of the plates, the boot and the plate were not level with the floor. There was a obvious tilt in the trucks on both skates. No wonder I've been losing my balance.

I talked to Ivanna about 2 hours ago, and she's going to talk to Riedell for me. I'm either sending my skates with a CRGer that's going to Rollercon, or I'm shipping them to Ivanna. Either way, I'm hoping that Riedell will agree to give me a credit so I can purchase a different model of skates. I'm done with R3s.

The funny thing is......I love these skates, and I hate to part with them. WTF?





Footnote:

My R3 journey:
I joined CRG on 2/5/06. In March, after I mastered nearly all of the basic derby skills in good old peanut butters (#8-21) at our rink, I bought my R3s from Ivanna @ Sin City Skates and was in heaven. Naturally, I figured there would be an adjustment period as I got used to the new skates.

First the problem seemed to be getting used to not having a heel on the boot like the rentals had so I kept falling backwards. Meanwhile, I realized that my left foot glide & tstop (since I drag my right foot) were shakey; I'd lose my balance and fall to the left. Plus, I noticed the skate was turning to the left like a bad shopping cart, and I wore a groove in my boot
bottom. I blamed my imbalance. I blamed my weight distribution.

Struggling & frustrated, I tightened my trucks as tight as they
would go at the suggestion of one of our coaches so I could get a
handle on my skating. THEN, a league sister told me about the
discussion on this list about several folks having problems with the
mismounting of their R3's plates. I spoke with Alice at Riedell,
shipped off my R3s, and, in 8 days, they were repaired and back on
my feet. I thought my problems would be gone, but it was then that
I began to notice that *both* of my skates were turning outward. I
couldn't do a left foot glide nor a right foot glide anymore, and I was still beating my tstop into submission. I loosened my damn trucks and the "bad shopping cart" effect stopped. However, it's three weeks later and I am still having problems.

I just read Fairy Brutal's blog that Sean Johnson, (dj oldschool) was killed in a car accident yesterday morning. I can't get my head around it. I just 'found' Sean here on myspace and was in the process of reconnecting with my old friend.

Sean & I used to hang out together at the 5-0 back in the day when Rachel & I were frequenting it in its last days. The Saturday night Goth Night crowd ruled....James Clark, Jacob, Heather, Ben K, Ben S., Joe, Tonya, Larry, & various stragglers & other really nice people whose names time has erased ... and of course Susan & Scott who owned 5-0 and now own Kulture. We drank pitchers of Guinness, played Real Tournament, and had a damn good time. Actually, I met my husband during this period, thanks to Joe who brought Andrew to the 5-0 in May of 2001.

Sean was always a bright light. Bethe nicknamed him "Shiny". Always smiling. Always good for a hug. We even kissed once back then.

I was really looking forward to seeing him again. I couldn't tell from his pix on his Old School page if that was him....for sure He didn't have a furry face when I knew him.

Rest in peace, Sean. Your light was too bright to stay here for too long. Shine on, man. Shine on.

***From his page, ganked from Fairy's blog***

http://slim50.livejournal.com/33783.html
Mind Storm
I have lived my life through the storms of the world and looking back it makes me calm. The people in my life, past and present, are mirror images of myself walking through the rain and sunshine. Looking up and out over the land I see peace in my world, people sharing the love for the moment and living for the now. How wonderful it is to be free and a prisoner of what is right for you, with a smile on your face and a hart that you give freely to whoever wants it you look into my eyes and see that I to will give it back two fold. My eyes are windows for you to either look into or brake, that is your choice, and I will get new ones and rebuild my house so that you will learn that either way you will look into my soul, broken or not.

My old MySpace profile:
*****************************************************
Briefly:
human, woman, wife, daughter, sister, furmom, aunt, rookie Carolina Rollergirl*****

Random details:

I've been a bellydancer for 4 years, and I am a founding member of a tribal fushion bellydance troupe Akasha. However, I hung up my hip scarf when I found derby.

My geriatric cat takes medicine for high blood pressure, constipation, plus an anti-acid every day. Thanks to her bad kidneys, she also gets 200-250 mls of fluid that I have to give her subcutaneously. It's kind of like putting gas in a car. She hates it, but it's the most important thing for her kidneys.

My geratric ferret has insulinoma....which is basically a disease characterized by small tumors in the pancreas that cause low blood sugar. He takes Prednisone daily and eats TONS of Nutri-cal.

I'm a native Raleigh girl. Third generation (at least) Wake County resident.

I like the beach off season. All that I want to do is look for shells.

I get bad headaches when a front is coming. I also get a lot of sinus headaches and migraines.

I was Indian in another lifetime. I love everything about South Asian culture (food, dance, clothes, music, etc.). I think South Asians are some of the most beautiful people in the world. I have to be careful not to be caught staring at traditionally dressed women in public. The gorgeous colors of their sari or salwaar kameeze, their shiny black braid, their bindi..... beautiful.

I love my 18 year old cat to the point of insanity.

I love and appreciate the differences in people. I am enthralled with cultures of the world. I love to travel, eat foreign food, listen to & learn foreign languages, etc.

I've worked many jobs in my life. My first job in 5th grade was delivering a weekly advertising paper. I think I made ~$15 a month!!! Since then, I've worked in fast food, bookstores, a shoe store, as a telemarketer, in a condominium office, as a social worker in foster care, answering calls to the national AIDS hotline, as an intake specialist for a managed mental health care company, in provider relations at an HMO, as a PartyLite consultant, and as an accounting clerk in various compacities (a/p, a/r, and billing).
I've had several volunteer jobs in my life. I've worked at a mental hospital, a medical hospital, and an animal shelter.

I'm a pesca-vegetarian......and that means that I do eat fish.

The slow road back (Written 6/3, posting 6/11)
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Okay. So Friday a week ago, I got my skates back from Riedell which was really cool considering the fact that I had sent them 8 days previous and they must have only had them for only a day or so. :) Go, Riedell! Go, UPS too!


I went to practice last Saturday erroneously thinking that skating would be a piece of cake. I mean, I'd be all balanced now when my plates correctly mounted, right? Wrong! I was all over the place like I was skating on banana peels! My left skate which *used* to make me wanna go left was now pulling to the right. WTF?

Duh, LooseWheel! It's because you had adapted to the misaligned skate!!!!! You were having to overcompensate!!! So now you have to re-train your feet & legs to *not* pull to the right.

I skated and skated last Saturday while those that had passed level one and been cleared for contact were scrimaging. Besides the fact that I really wished that I was already cleared for contact, honestly, I was really happy that I was allowed to just skate around the outside of the track. I needed the practice to get my wheels back under me. I went to practice Wednesday, and it was weird. In some ways, my skating was better, but I was challenged (off balance) in completely other ways. With a lot of support from the girls in the front of the speed line (especially Frog), I kept at it, and, by the end of the practice, I was nearly skating normal. Nearly.

Which brings us to today............

Today, I went to buttcrack Saturday morning practice planning to practice my regular ole forward skating. Level 2 & bout assessments were taking place, and the first thing on the agenda was the 20 lap test. Why not, I thought.

Funny story: the first time that I did the 20 lap test, I didn't know that I was doing it. I had only been a rookie for about a week when the test was given during a Sunday practice. I had no idea that they were timing us rookies. Besides the fact that I couldn't have skated 20 laps in a row anyway, I actually stopped and got off the floor to down some water. My time was 12:57 on 2/12/06. The next time that I did the test was April 2, and I stayed on Scoob's butt and came in at 7:46.

Now, back to today: I clocked in at 6:55!!! Almost a whole minute off my time! I would have come in under 6:40 if I hadn't fallen on the 19th lap. No lie. I wiped out on the last turn. The assessors & other girls were yelling "Get up! Get up!", and I thought I was. Ha ha. It was pure hell to peel my ass off the floor and get going again. My legs felt like mush. However, I did it!! I did it. I got my fat white ass off the floor and skated the last lap. Honestly, I think its really cool that I did as well as I did so it really didn't upset me that I could have achieved the magickal 6:40. That will be my challenge next time.

Okay. So Friday a week ago, I got my skates back from Riedell which was really cool considering the fact that I had sent them 8 days previous and they must have only had them for only a day or so. :) Go, Riedell! Go, UPS too!


I went to practice last Saturday erroneously thinking that skating would be a piece of cake. I mean, I'd be all balanced now when my plates correctly mounted, right? Wrong! I was all over the place like I was skating on banana peels! My left skate which *used* to make me wanna go left was now pulling to the right. WTF?

Duh, LooseWheel! It's because you had adapted to the misaligned skate!!!!! You were having to overcompensate!!! So now you have to re-train your feet & legs to *not* pull to the right.

I skated and skated last Saturday while those that had passed level one and been cleared for contact were scrimaging. Besides the fact that I really wished that I was already cleared for contact, honestly, I was really happy that I was allowed to just skate around the outside of the track. I needed the practice to get my wheels back under me. I went to practice Wednesday, and it was weird. In some ways, my skating was better, but I was challenged (off balance) in completely other ways. With a lot of support from the girls in the front of the speed line (especially Frog), I kept at it, and, by the end of the practice, I was nearly skating normal. Nearly.

Which brings us to today............

Today, I went to buttcrack Saturday morning practice planning to practice my regular ole forward skating. Level 2 & bout assessments were taking place, and the first thing on the agenda was the 20 lap test. Why not, I thought.

Funny story: the first time that I did the 20 lap test, I didn't know that I was doing it. I had only been a rookie for about a week when the test was given during a Sunday practice. I had no idea that they were timing us rookies. Besides the fact that I couldn't have skated 20 laps in a row anyway, I actually stopped and got off the floor to down some water. My time was 12:57 on 2/12/06. The next time that I did the test was April 2, and I stayed on Scoob's butt and came in at 7:46.

Now, back to today: I clocked in at 6:55!!! Almost a whole minute off my time! I would have come in under 6:40 if I hadn't fallen on the 19th lap. No lie. I wiped out on the last turn. The assessors & other girls were yelling "Get up! Get up!", and I thought I was. Ha ha. It was pure hell to peel my ass off the floor and get going again. My legs felt like mush. However, I did it!! I did it. I got my fat white ass off the floor and skated the last lap. Honestly, I think its really cool that I did as well as I did so it really didn't upset me that I could have achieved the magickal 6:40. That will be my challenge next time.

My skates!!!! I miss my skates!!!!!

I'm one of the lucky ones with R3s that have mismounted plates. I shipped them back to Riedell yesterday after talking with their returns department. Since I work at a company that has a warehouse with a shipping department, I got one of the fellows to help me package my skates up nicely with bubblewrap and all. I thought that I was going to overnight them, but that would have cost $85!!!! And, that's *with* our corporate discount!!! I ended up doing ground for $7.79 because they'll get there by next Tuesday. I guess that I don't expect to get them back for about 2 weeks which SUX.

On the bright side, when I do get them, I'll be able to pass level one because I'll be able to do a T stop & a left foot glide without falling to the left. Then, all I need is to take the test, and then it will be MY turn to get a cool level 1 certificate.

It's funny. Ever since I figured out that my plates weren't centered, I've not been able to skate worth a shit. It's like I can feel the mismount so much more than before. Psychological, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, I'm headed to the beach this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. Cross your fingers that I don't kill myself because I've put my outdoor wheels on my 1979 skates so I can skate at the beach. Heh. These skates have been sitting in my closet for YEARS so there's no telling what might happen to them. If they do okay, I'll be able to wear them at practice until my R3s come back. It's better than wearing "peanut butters". However, I do have a special place in my heart for pair #8-20 at the Ranch.

Thanks, Migraine. I really wanted to miss my assessment this morning.

Well, it's official. I have definitely gained all of my pre-wedding weight back. Yee-ha. It's been a slow, creeping process, but I'm right back where I was 2 years ago.

I went to the doctor last Friday to bleed for lab work. While there, my blood pressure was unusually high. Great. It's probably the Effexor, I thought, and I sure haven't watched my pressure over the last few months like I should have been. My psychiatrist (Dr Chambers) told me when he put me on it 2 years ago, that it could raise your pressure. Well, it did a little after time, but not in the dangerous range. Without insurance from Jan 1-Mar 1, I couldn't exactly go to the doctor. Early last week, I went crazy and scheduled my yearly physical, a mental checkup, & a gyno annual.

I saw Dr Chambers last Tuesday, and he was equally alarmed with my hbp. Coupled with the fact that Effexor affects my sex drive, the hbp was the last straw. Starting Wed, I've started tapering off.

Last night at Mom & Dad's, Dad used his nifty machine to take my pressure, and the readings were the worst that I've seen. 170ish/122ish!!!! Holy shit!

Now, today, I went for my physical with Dr Singh, my regular doc, and she told me the results of last week's lab work. Again, my blood pressure was high, but not as bad as last night. 160ish/92. My thyroid is sleeping a little again so she upped the thyroid med to wake him up to do his damn job. Then, she told me that my glucose was 103 which is borderline diabetic. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great! I'm overweight. I have high blood pressure, and I'm pre-diabetic. Following in my dad's footsteps, or what? This is so not cool.

Thanks, Body. Im awake now. Im listening.

I told Dr Singh that I think several things are causing my weight gain lately:

1) I became a vegetarian at the first of the year, and, unfortunately, I run into situations where my choices aren't the healthiest. Example: at the 'Canes game, my choices were fries, cheese sticks, or a pretzel. Not much for dinner options.

2) I'm skating my butt off, burning a hell of a lot of calories, and I come home starving. In such a state, I'm liable to eat anything not nailed down.

In addition to the above recent struggles, I've just totally lost my self control again when it comes to food. Unfortunately, in spite of making good food choices for most of the day, later, I often lose my mind and eat the equivalent of 2 bowls of ice cream or lots of chocolate. Basically, I cancel out the good.
I find this all really scary that suddenly I'm facing two big conditions that are definitely influenced by my weight. I *know* that I have to get myself together. I lost nearly 40 lbs on Weight Watchers 2 years ago, and I was very happy with my weight for my wedding last year. Well, I can't wear any of those cute clothes that I bought/wore last year.

Eating well means planning ahead. Keeping healthy groceries at home, making good choices at restaurants, and exercising portion control.

I know how to lose weight. I know that I can do it. I've done it before! The hunger monster is eating at me this evening, but, if I ignore him, he will eventually lose his power over me.....and this will get easier.

Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!



I reinjured my hand last night. Yep, I sure did. I fell once, and which hand do you think I put down? Which fingers do you think touched the floor first? Yep, my right hand. Yep, my pinky & ring finger. Damnit!



Fortunately, it didnt hurt *too* bad. I mean, it hurt, but it wasnt like OUCH. I'm sure that as soon as my body felt my fingers touch the floor, it reacted and let my ass hit the floor a little harder than usual.....so as to get my weight off my fingers quickly. Regardless, they started aching and swelling. When I woke up this morning, my knuckles are puffy again.



Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!



I'm not thinking that its a good idea for me to go to speed practice tonight. Then, again, I could go and just take it easy in the middle at my own pace. I didnt bring my skate bag with me to work so, if I decide to go, I've got to go home and get it.....which will make me a little late to the Ranch. Yippee.







On top of everything, I have PMS. I got teased at work AGAIN today for being a vegetarian. I swear, the joke is dead. Leave me alone, I dont eat meat. What business of it is yours??? Why do you care? Why are you fascinated with my diet???



Quick! Name 5 good things to remind myself that life is not all bad today:



1) I have the best husband in the world who is a great listener when I'm PMSing. So good that he can actually get a way with saying, "You're PMSing, right?" without being killed.

2) I have on snappy new jeans that I found on sale for $9.99 yesterday.

3) Seven layer burritos from Taco Hell are yummy and cheap.

4) The weather is beautiful. Sunny, but not too hot.

.....And last but NOT least....

5) I am skating again. I am 38 years old, and, after 25 years, Im back on wheels. This time, I'm a rollergirl.

Wanna add to the good things list?

I know that some of you may be waiting to hear how my anniversary weekend went, but I'm afraid that I first have to blog about my ferret.

Eomer went in yesterday for surgery to remove tumors in his pancreas...which causes his insulinoma....and a possible tumor on his adrenal gland....which causes the dreaded adrenal cancer. I dropped him off at 7:45am yesterday morning and went on to work.

In the late morning, the vet tech called to say that the surgery was going well, but they found Eomer's spleen to be greatly enlarged and terribly inflamed. In fact, Dr D suspected that it would have ruptured in the coming weeks and my sweet boy would have bled out. Needless to say, we gave our consent for them to remove it. As expected they removed about 1/2 of his pancreas and a nodule out of the remaining half. His liver was an abnormal mustard color which may be the fact that he's been on steriods, but only the biopsy will tell. Meanwhile, the adrenals looked fine to Dr D. She hated to keep Eomer under for any longer without an obvious reason to dig further around the adrenals. However, she did say that usually she can palpate the adrenals and tell if they are cancerous. Eomer's adrenals felt fine so they closed him up. 86 minutes of surgery on a little fellow that doesn't even weigh 2 lbs.

Dr D called in the afternoon to talk about Eomer's surgery and ongoing recovery. She wanted him to stay at the vet until at least 6pm for them to monitor him. Plus, she wanted to see him today for a post-surg checkup. Then, she suggested that we could come at 7pm when he gets his next pain med dose and observe how to give it.

At 7pm, both Andrew & I arrived at the vet to pick up Eomer. He was terribly groggy and shaved in 3 places. Oh, the inhumanity! He had worked so hard to grow back his belly fur after the ultrasound, and now he was even more bare. Plus, he was shaved around his ear where they took blood and his tail where they.....oh, I can't remember. He seemed to rouse a bit at the sound of our voices, but he was so out of it. We got to see the spleen, and it was unbelieveable! I was expecting something about the size of your thumb, but it was about 2 fingers wide and 5 inches long! The end that was about to rupture was probably the size of a small plum!

At home, we set up a pallet on the floor and watched him into the night. He drank water from his water bottle that we held for him, and he did eat some Nutri-cal (aka ferret crack). Mostly though, he slept. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get up to go to the bathroom which really upset him. He thrashed around a bit, and you could tell that he was trying to go. We comforted him and told him it was okay. Finally, he let loose and we simply moved him a way from the mess, cleaned him up, and he went back to sleep.

About 2am, we finally went to bed. We set up his temporary cage in the bedroom, and even my ornery old cat didn't mind. It was like she knew that he wasn't feeling well. I didn't hear a peep from him all night until about 6am when he wet his bed. I was happy to find him a bit more coherent when I moved him out of the cage to clean up.

I took today off to be his nurse, and it's really a good thing considering the poop/pee laying down thing. At 9am, I took him to his post-surg checkup with Dr D, and she was pleased with how he looked. They weighed him, and he lost 100 grams from the surgery!!!! Andrew & I are quite flattered that she trusts our abilities as ferretparents to send him home in the state that he was in. She always tells us that we aren't your typical pet owners. (No, duh! We aren't pet owners; we're pet parents. =^..^= )

Since it was time for his morning pain meds, I took them with me to the vet. Amusingly, I did the injection while Dr D, the vet tech, and the vet assistant looked on. They were impressed, and, for a moment, it was fun to pretend that I was working as a vet tech......but that's another topic for another post.

Unfortunately, they asked if they could keep him for a few hours to give him some fluids since he was a little dehydrated. Plus, they wanted to check his glucose level. So I'm at home until I can go pick him up at 1:30pm.

Hopefully, this surgery has greatly reduced or eliminated his insulinoma symptoms. Also, it is a damn good thing that we opted for this surgery because we would have lost him when the spleen ruptured. (We lost Max in 2004 when an ulcer burst in his intestine, and he bled out. It was awful. One minute he was fine, the next minute he was sick/unresponsive, and he died at the emergency clinic.) Also, hopefully, his adrenal glands really are okay, but we still may have to face adrenal cancer down the road. It's just so common in ferts. As for his liver, only the biopsy will tell why it was mustard colored. I sure hope it's not another disease.

Cross your fingers for my little boy. He's just the sweetest thing, a poster child for ferrets, so-to-speak. He charms the hell out of everyone.

My first wedding anniversary is Sunday, and I just found out that husband is wisking me away to Atlanta for a long weekend. He talked to my boss and got me off work tomorrow & Monday. He arranged for someone that our vet recommended to petsit our ferret. She's coming in about an hour. He arranged for my parents to petsit my cat, and they'll be here in about 30 minutes.

Unfortunately, this means that I won't be at practice for the whole weekend, and I'll miss Duncan's Fish Fry. :( Leadfoot, I'm sorry, but someone else will have to bring the 100 forks that I signed up to bring.

He's been planning this for a month and a half, and I had no freaking idea. He told me that we were going to dinner on Sunday, and that I should leave the entire weekend open so we could be together. Therefore, I already knew that I was going to miss the B'Earthday party. Now, I've found out that we're staying in the Westin Peachtree, dining in the rotating restaurant on top, and going to the Georgia Renaissance Faire all weekend!!! (We love ren faires!)

Frog, Faye, Krewe: Y'all have great birthdays and a great party!

I'll miss you all, but I'm so excited. I married my prince last year, and I'm glad to know that he still keeps me guessing.

I've been saying that I needed a different tool to change my wheels/bearings to skate outside. Today, my husband urged me to go to Vertical Urge to buy the Utilitool so I could change my wheels. He thought it would be fun to find a park for us to skate in....me in my quads, him in his ooooolddd in-lines.

Funny thing is that the nice guy at VU showed me how to pop the bearings out without a tool. Nifty, huh? So we went out the car and started the business of changing the wheels. During the process, it dawns on my husband that there is no reason to pop the bearings out. I purchased bearings at the time that I bought my outdoor wheels. Therefore, all that we needed to do was change the wheels. Duh. Very easy.

We went to the park across the street from our house where we found some fairly flat surfaces. Unfortunately, while Andrew was strapping on his old in-lines, the old plastic ankle fasteners broke on both skates! He took the shoelaces out of his shoes and tied them snugly around the top of the in-lines...which seemed to work just fine.

Meanwhile, I put my skates and my pads on, and I realized really quickly what it was like for the CRGers that skated in the St Patty's Day parade. (I walked, carrying the banner.) The wheels were slick as snot and took a bit to get used to. I felt like I had spaghetti legs.

"Do you want your helmet?" Andrew asked.

"Nah", I said. "I'll be fine."

Nonetheless, we left the car and set out for the park. Well, the first hill we came through wasn't too steep so I got in good derby form and coasted down it.....only at the bottom I wasn't sure how to stop. In a flash, somehow I did a "banana peel" and landed on my butt. Thankfully, I didn't smack my head on the concrete sidewalk. Hopefully, I got a cool bruise. Andrew was being much more careful on his in-lines so he used the grass to get him down hills.

We found a tiny parking lot with a median in the middle that provided somewhat of a "rink". My confidence grew the more that I skated, but I was surprised at how different it felt to skate outside.

I'm really excited because now I'll be able to skate before our next practice on Tuesday. Usually, I would have 2 1/2 hours of practice tomorrow, but it's canceled due to Easter. I think that I would die if I couldn't skate until Tuesday's practice!!!!!

When we got home, I skated down our street and back which was a lot smoother than the park had been. However, I still have to figure out how to stop. T-stopping wasn't happening.

Andrew's in-lines turned out to be a little on the small side, and, with the ankle fasteners broken, he went online and ordered some new ones from overstock.com. Yay....more outdoor skating with my hubby in my future.

Finally! I have seen a roller derby bout! Until yesterday, I had only seen bouts on "Rollergirls" (which I really miss).

Now, more than ever, I am dying to play. Dying. I have this amazing determination to become an asset to the Carolina Rollergirls. After not skating for 8 days, I am nearly about to lose my mind. I dreamed of skating last night in the warehouse at work! Ha!

The bout was magickal. I was so impressed with the bout production people. Everything seemed to run so smoothly from my rookie standpoint. I was blown away by how fast the Ranch was made bout-worthy. From the folks keeping the track lights burning & taped down to the amazing announcers to the refs & coaches to the stat folks (aka "calculators"...I was one!) to the door guards and the merch girls.....and the skaters. Pure performance! The costumes were incredible. I loved the opening number to explain the game. Hilarious! The game itself was awesome, but it really was hard to totally enjoy the game when I was trying like hell to help Hot D'Amazon with blocking stats for the Debs. It was so hard to focus on one person for very long. There were falls & spills into the audience, great whips & blocks, talented skating, and fierce determination on the faces of the players. I felt like I had ADD.

When it was over, it seemed to have gone too fast. The funny thing was that I was fucking exhausted. Me? What did I do but stand and make marks on a clip board??? Oh, well...I did help with the chairs & tape a bit too. It must have been an emotional release for me. I had had a major, hormonal spike at home while trying to find something to wear. The outfit that I had planned to wear---but hadn't tried on----looked like crap when I put it on an hour before we had to leave. Panic! The funny thing is that once I got to the Ranch, I realized that every damn discarded outfit that I constructed before I left the house would have been fine. I guess that it's hard when you're a rookie to know *what* you should do *when* and *how* you should do it. I don't want to look out of place or act like an idiot, you know? It feels kind of like gym class in junior high sometimes. I don't mean that in a bad way; I'm never that uncomfortable but there is a little nagging buzz in the back of my mind. It lessens all the time though.

I have a few goals for myself as a skater:

I want to be as mean as Bruz.

I want to do my squats as low as Princess.

I want to block as frequent and as sucessfully as Kama.

I want to be as kind to rookies that come after me as Eris.

I want to skate as well and as fearlessly as Roxy does.



I love the women that I skate with. I have learned something from all of them in some way or another.

Derby. How did I ever live without it?

I haven't skated in 6 days, and I think it's very interesting the effect that it has had on me.

Last Sunday, I woke up feeling the beginnings of the Pollen Ick. I still made it to practice because I wasn't feeling bad. At practice, I had the opportunity to reduce my time for 20 laps. About a week after I started training, we did the 20 at practice, and I couldn't finish it without getting off the floor and sitting & drinking water. I did finish finally though and clocked in at about 12:48. Last Sunday, I had no problems skating the 20 and I stayed on Scoob's tail, and we both came in at 7:46. I was thrilled!

By Monday, I felt horrible, and, on Tuesday, I learned from the doctor that I had bronchitis. I was out of work Wednesday too which sux because I'm temp right now. No work; no $$. Ugh. Meanwhile, I stayed away from practice of course.

By Thursday, I was much better and planned to go to practice Friday night, but the girls at work talked me out of it. They thought that I shouldn't push it. Then, I started to worry that if I relapsed I'd miss the bout. Plus, Friday night is speed practice so if I went I wouldn't exactly take it easy. I decided to not go.

When my hubby came home, we ended up walking to the Mellow Mushroom for dinner. Of course, we sat outside because the weather was awesome. After we got back to the house, we sat on the porch and enjoyed the lovely evening. Bad idea. I woke up this morning feeling like I did early last week. Ugh. So I decided to not go to practice yet again, and I also missed the Derby Education Class. :(

Now, it's 1:00am Sunday morning, and I haven't done much all day. Andrew left around lunch time to go meet & play with his new D&D group. About the time that he left, my ferret Eomer crashed.....which is what we call it when his sugar drops dangerously low. I fixed up the syringe of dextrose fluids (sugar), and used the butterfly needle to load it in his back. Until he came to, I held him and kept him warm in a towel. Then, I took a nap for a few hours. Bad dreams, but that's another story. In the late afternoon, I decided to catch up on my neglected episodes of Eastenders (British soap on PBS). Believe it or not, Eomer crashed again. This time, I gave him hydrating fluids, thinking dehydration was the problem this time since I just given him dextrose earlier in the day. Sometimes his dehydration causes him as much trouble as his sugar dropping. The fluids had no effect which really scared the hell out of me. He always comes around after we give him fluids, and I reallly feared that we were going to lose him. Eventually, I fixed up a syringe of dextrose which did the trick. Within a few minutes, he was up trotting around making sure that his house was in order. (Note: in case you don't know---everything belongs to a ferret in his/her opinion.)

During the evening, I learned that stats folks aren't needed at practice in the morning. Only those vital to bout production are needed. Damn---I wanted an excuse to put my skates on tomorrow.

I think lack of exercise really does bring me down. Laying around the house brings me down. I should have gone somewhere today. Anywhere. I know better than to stay home when I feel blue.

On the bright side, tomorrow is the bout, and it's the first bout that I've ever been to!!! I'm so excited. I'm really, really happy to be part of this wonderful world of roller derby. I've needed something like this in my life for a while.

Well, this is a long first post and not a very chipper one, but it's my blog and this is how I'm feeling today. It's got to be all downhill from here.

A present from my sweetie. My own domain name.

snadville.org is born!

Go here to see my new blog.

April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23. April 23.

I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005. I am getting married on April 23, 2005.

Finally, after being engaged for almost 6 months and accomplishing nothing in terms of wedding planning, Andrew & I signed a contract with the Castle today. I think I'm in shock mostly. Wonder what people will ask me now.

Probably......

"Have you found a dress yet?"

ARGH!

Anyway, my "un" anniversary is this Friday. Maybe Andrew & I should go to dinner to celebrate.

Well, I won't be going to the bellydance workshop that I signed up for when the Bellydance Superstars (BDS) tour comes through, nor will I be seeng the show. :(

I just found out this morning that my brother who is a major in the Army got orders to go to Hawaii for 3 years. He's leaving on March 13, and the family will follow after school is out. Could be worse, I know, but it's just so far away....especially compared to SC.

He has invited me & my fiance down along with my parents for a visit on the first weekend of March....which is the BDS weekend. There is no other weekend that I can go see him. He's not home this weekend, I can't go Feb 28/29 because of another local workshop for which I've already paid $90 registration, and then he leaves the next weekend.

I guess that I'll have to either sell my registration & show ticket or be out of $65 unless its refundable....which I doubt. Doesn't matter either way---my brother is worth way more than $65.

I know that Hawaii is a much better assignment than, say, IRAQ! I can be thankful that he's not being sent there. Plus, Andrew & I can take great vacations to go see them. :) Sadly though, this may mean that they may not be able to make it to my wedding.....depends on how much it will cost for all of them to fly. Of course, the Army would pay for HI to CA because you can just hop an Army plane, but then you'd have to pay for CA to NC.

The sad thing is that I kind of knew that this was going to happen....or at least I feared that it would. The Army took my brother far away for schools and for duty starting when I was 15. He was in Germany when I graduated high school so he missed the ceremony which seemed like a bigger deal then. He was able to make it to my college graduation because they were stationed at Bragg at the time. I missed his wedding in Germany because I was in college, and my parents couldn't really afford to pay for 3 tickets. Now, he may miss my wedding.

I guess that I'd better get off my butt and find a place and pick a date soon. Hopefully, he and his family will be able to come.

He's the best brother in the world.

300.40 Neurotic depression.


Great. Another wonderful mental health diagnosis. I thought that I had already fought this war, but it seems that the enemy has changed....sort of.


I thought when I left the psych eval appt that I had anxiety, but, when I got the doctor's paperwork for billing, my diagnosis code was 300.4. So...off to the internet I went, and here's what I came up with:


First of all, the class of 300 diagnoses is Neurotic Disorders........


"The distinction between neurosis and psychosis is difficult and remains
subject to debate. However, it has been retained in view of its wide use.
Neurotic disorders are mental disorders without any demonstrable organic basis
in which the patient may have considerable insight and has unimpaired reality
testing, in that he usually does not confuse his morbid subjective experiences
and fantasies with external reality. Behavior may be greatly affected
although usually remaining within socially acceptable limits, but personality
is not disorganized. The principal manifestations include excessive anxiety,
hysterical symptoms, phobias, obsessional and compulsive symptoms, and
depression."

Great.


Now, for my specific diagnosis of Neurotic Depression.......


"A neurotic disorder characterized by disproportionate depression which has
usually recognizably ensued on a distressing experience; it does not include
among its features delusions or hallucinations, and there is often
preoccupation with the psychic trauma which preceded the illness, e.g., loss
of a cherished person or possession. Anxiety is also frequently present and
mixed states of anxiety and depression should be included here. The
distinction between depressive neurosis and psychosis should be made not only
upon the degree of depression but also on the presence or absence of other
neurotic and psychotic characteristics and upon the degree of disturbance of
the patient's behavior."


Wow. Is that me? I wonder if my dx will change. I mean, how well can a doc diagnose you when he spends an hour with you?


The more that I think about it, I do have a problem with anxiety.....but it sure has felt like depression. Funny---you think you'd recognize one or the other in your own self! I wonder how long that I've had a problem with anxiety. Was I misdiagnosed in 1996? Was I anxious as a child when I used to have those weird night thoughts about "not being able to finish something". My parents were baffled as was I. I couldn't explain to them what was upsetting me when I got out of bed and came to them. All that I could say was that I felt like I wasn't able to finish something.


Stress in general freaks me out. I hate change of any sort because of the stress & apprehension that it brings.


No wonder that I worried so much about the long line when I was on register at Chick-fil-a in 1984.


No wonder that I freak out before my bellydancing performances.


No wonder that I get strangely overwhelmed when Andrew & I go to NY, and I have to deal with the uncertainties of travel, the awkwardness of in-laws-to-be, and the vastness of NYC.


No wonder that I nearly lost my mind when I worked at Hellhole, Inc. when the stack of work on my desk NEVER ceased to exist.


No wonder that I worry about money so much.


No wonder that I lie in bed and worry that my parents will die or Nikki will die or something will happen to Andrew, etc.


No wonder that the thought of planning my own wedding is freaking me out.


No wonder that sometimes life is so overwhelming that I don't want to leave the house.


Wow...it's really easy to write this list. That's scary.


Hidesight is 20/20, huh?






I have shared a lot of myself in this post, and I'm going to hold my head up and hit "post & publish". Mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of, and I refuse to hide this.

Life is funny, you know?


Two Saturdays ago, Andrew & I went to a ferret club meeting for the first time in about 6 mos. We had hoped that it would be fun for our remaining ferret to have friends to play with. Cleopatra (aka Baby Girl, said "BB Girl" or just "B") has been really lonely now that Max is gone. Well, she wanted nothing to do with those 41 other ferrets. She stayed in her carrier and nipped at anyone who tried to come in to say "hello". We finally just shut the door to give her some privacy. Poor sweet girl.


While at the meeting, we were approached by the Queen Shelter Mom who asked if we would take two sable boys to foster. The shelter currently had 102 ferrets, and she had no room. We met the boys, and they were so sweet. Sadly, their last owner had thought that they were girls! I mean, honestly, ferrets don't have the biggest penises, but how would you like to be a guy and be called "Momma" or "Baby"?? Yep--those were their names. They lived in Durham in a cage on a balcony! I'm really glad that we are able to give them a better home than that.


So...we brought them home, set up the second cage, and settled in to be the best foster parents ever. :)


By the end of day 2, the older one got sick and, by the end of Day 3, the other one was sick too. They wouldn't eat, and nothing would stay down or in, if you know what I mean. We had to feed them Pedialyte and wet food with a syringe several times a day. It was like having a baby....something totally dependent on you for life. That night, we decided on their names: Theoden & Eomer, as in King Theoden from the Lord of the Rings trilogy and his nephew Eomer.


On Day 3, Theoden went to the vet, and, then, again, on Day 6 because he wasn't improving. (Thankfully, Eomer was only sick for one day.) Theoden got meds to take 2x a day at the second vet visit. Thankfully, the vet didn't think that he had an obstruction; he just thought he was stressed out from changing owners. Basically, he & Eomer went from this woman who had them 3 mos to the shelter volunteer for a few days and then to us.


The cool thing was that we noticed how much Theoden reminded us of our ferret Gandalf who passed away in October, and, strangely, Eomer reminds us somewhat of Max who passed away Jan 3. Weird, I tell you, and downright eerie sometimes.


Last night, Andrew & I were sitting on the couch eating dinner on our little tv dinner tables. Theoden & Eomer were in the playpen in the middle of the floor. Theoden came out of his cozy Coke box where he had been napping and sniffed the air. He wanted our chicken. We gave him a tiny piece and he ate it! Then, we got him some banana (which Gandalf used to love) and he ate that too. It was a start. After 9 days of feeding him everything that he ate or drank, finally Theoden ate!


Today, he's fine. King Theoden recovered from his bout of "shelter shock". Now, if we can just get Cleo to be nice. She's not been very welcoming to her new brothers. These things take time though.

Sadness.

In less than 3 months, Andrew & I have lost 2 of our 3 ferrets. I must tell this story from the beginning so go with me back to October.

Gandalf

Sunday, October 12th: Andrew & I did yard work until about noon. When I came in, I found our oldest ferret Gandalf in the bottom of his cage near death. He was laying in his own waste and was barely responding. We rushed him to Animal Emergency Clinic where they started him on fluids and discovered an infection in his bladder (basically it was filled with pus). We left him for testing & x-rays. Further testing yielded no masses internally but one of his kidneys was enlarged.....probably the infection had spread up from the bladder. Also, the cause of the black tarry stool that was literally hanging out of his bottom was probably an ulcer. (You learn something every day, right? Black tarry stools indicate internal bleeding.) They pumped him with antibiotics.

We went & visited him that night at the clinic where he spent the night. He did seem a bit better, but he wasn't out of the woods. The next morning, we picked him up at 7am and transferred him to his regular vet. His regular vet confirmed our fears that Gandalf had the dreaded adrenal disease and said that his condition was "grave to poor". Because of his age, he wasn't a candidate for surgery so only time would tell. We left him there for the day and they monitored his condition.

That night (Monday), we picked him up and brought him home. The only reason that we got to bring him home is that we were comfortable with giving him his meds & fluids and taking his temperature. We set up a pallet of towels on the den floor. G could barely walk so there was little concern that he could go anywhere. Our cat who usually has no use for any of the ferrets must have realized that Gandalf was very sick. She stayed her distance but sat calmly nearby in the den. Andrew spent the night by his side. I got up every few hours to check on them.

Tuesday morning, Gandalf returned to the vet for the day. I was so hopeful that his hanging on so long was a good sign. Andrew said that he dozed off once during the previous night and woke to find G several feet away. Unfortunately, it was his last hurrah.

When Andrew brought him home from the vet Tuesday afternoon, moments after I got home from work, it was obvious that G was getting worse by the minute. Before going to the vet, Andrew talked to the vet, and the situation wasn't good but we were bringing him home for the night again....hoping he would respond to our love & care. By the time that Andrew arrived at the vet, the doc had already left for the day and G was having tiny seizures. The vet techs said that maybe his sugar was low since he had refused to eat for them, and that we should try to get some Nutri-cal in him. He had basically been unresponsive for the vet techs & the vet all day so we hope that maybe he'd respond to us like he usually does.

I held him in my arms wrapped in a towel in the middle of the den floor and managed to get several doses of Nutri-cal in his mouth. He seemed to swallow, but the seizures continued & worsened.

Finally, we called the vet to see how long that we should let him seize like this....and we learned that he was now "cluster seizing" which indicates that the body is shutting down. We made the decision to take him to the emergency clinic where this all began Sunday and have him put to sleep.

They gave him an injection and put him in Andrew's arms, and we rocked him and rubbed him and told him how much we loved him and to just let go. It took several minutes for his body to stop seizing and then he simply stopped breathing. He looked so peaceful.

At about 6pm, Oct 14th, Gandalf "Mousehead" Phillips gently passed away. We took him home, let Max, Cleo, & Nikki tell him "goodbye", and buried him in the back yard under a nice oak tree.

Max

Andrew & I got home from a week in NY around 11:30pm Friday night. We found Max in the sleepy sack with Cleo, but immediately it was clear that something was wrong. He looked just like G did back in October. He was limp, unresponsive, and dehydrated. We rushed him to the Animal Emergency Clinic.

X-rays were inconclusive but showed that he had something in his intestines. The doctor feared that he may have eaten something that he shouldn't have. His was too unstable to do surgery so the plan was that we would leave him at the clinic, and, if he became stable, she would do the surgery. Otherwise, we'd pick him up in the morning to transfer him to his regular vet.

We went in to tell Max "goodnight". He was wrapped in towels, lying on a table with an iv in his leg. He was still very unresponsive. He didn't look like himself. He looked so much like Gandalf.

As Andrew & I talked to him and petted him, Andrew became aware that he was no longer breathing. We quickly told the vet & vet tech. They checked him, and he had, in fact, passed on. Even though we had agreed to a "no resuscitate" order in our absence, as we stood there, I blurted out to Andrew, "Shouldn't we at least try?"

The doctor didn't hesitate and began to administer CPR. Andrew & I watched in horror. I fell to my knees, praying, and sending all the healing vibes that I could muster to our little friend. "Max", I whispered, "Max. Max. Max".

Dr Watkins did all she could, but about 1:30am, Jan 3, Max "PossumHead" Phillips went to be with Gandalf....and Serina whom we lost in May 2002.

We brought him home, let Cleo & Nikki say goodbye to him, and buried him next to G. We have only one ferret now. Our girlferret Cleopatra. Poor thing. No one to sleep with. No one to play with. We've spent a lot of time with her for the past two days. At times, she seems to look for him.

It all seems so unreal. It happened so fast. He didn't look like himself at all so it's hard to believe that it was our sweet Max. We are still in shock.

So...does getting engaged make you sick??

Andrew got the flu after he bought the ring and before we went to the faire where he gave it to me. Then, on the Monday after we returned, I had a migraine. Yesterday, I got the flu. Yippee.

I'm going to go lay down again.

Finally, a reason to post and a desire to do so!

Andrew & I got engaged this weekend at the Carolina Renaissance
Faire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was kind of thinking that he might do it this past weekend with it being
so close to my birthday & all, but I wasn’t sure how he’d pull it off. The
ring that we had looked at had to be ordered and would arrive close to the
holidays.

Unfortunately, he had the flu on my birthday. So I’m afraid that I spent
the evening checking his temperature and cooking chicken & rice.
Thankfully, he was well enough by Friday afternoon so we made it to
Charlotte by 10pm.

The faire is near Concord, just over the county line into Mecklenburg Co.
It is the faire that we went to twice 2 years ago when we first started
dating. Honestly, we feel like we fell in love there.
The faire was awesome and had expanded some.

The big event happened on Saturday at 5pm. The last bellydance show had
just ended featuring some of my Charlotte area dance friends. When the show
was about to end, Andrew said he was going to go "take his sword off". To
take it off, he has to stand, so I didn't think much about it. (It’s a
really huge sword about 3 feet long, and he carries it diagonally across his
back in a leather harness.) After the show, he pulled me over to my friend
LeeAnn's booth and made me put all my stuff down (cape, basket, etc). I had
no idea what was going on. Another bellydancer Naima was with us and it
became evident that she was going to take our picture somewhere with our new
digital camera....which also happens to take short videos. So I stumbled
along behind them over to the bridge next to the Dutch Door Stage where the
bellydancers had performed. Then, he said something to her about taking
"video" and that's when I started wondering if this was IT! When he went
down on one knee, I knew that the moment had arrived! He said really sweet
things about how this has been the happiest 2 years of his life, and that he
fell in love with me at this faire so it’s only fitting that he propose here
next to the bellydance stage. Then, he whipped out the ring and asked me to
marry him. The video is hilarious because you can't hear what Andrew is
saying, but you can hear all my gasps and squeals of delight. When he put
the ring on, you can hear people clapping. I have no idea how many people
were around us because I had such tunnel vision.

No date has been set yet, but we're thinking about next Fall............

So how long has it been since you bought tennis shoes? This year? Last year?

Brace yourself! I haven't bought tennis shoes in 17 years. Yep. 1986 was the last time. I bought black Reeboks in the summer after my senior year in high school. I'm pretty sure that I bought them at Hackney's in North Hills Mall. Scary that I can remember that.

Well, I guess that I should say that I hadn't bought tennis shoes in 17 years until today. Yep. I finally decided to do it because Andrew & I are going to DC this weekend, and I have nothing to walk around in.

I walked in Just for Feet, told the sales guy that I knew nothing about buying sneaks, and begged for his help. I tried on two pairs and bought the second pair....plus a cute pair of white socks with pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness and insoles that help with arch support. Anyway, I spent about $105. Ouch.

For the most part, I think most tennis shoes that I see people wearing are heinously UGLY. I guess that's mostly why I don't wear them. I bought a pair of Reeboks (again), and I like them pretty good so far.

They look really funny on my feet though. Well, at least, they do to me. So don't laugh. :P

Well, they are finally tearing North Hills down today, and I actually cried.

I grew up at that mall. David worked at Hackney's, the old sporting goods store, delivered prescriptions for the pharmacy, and, then, for the mall itself doing mall security. Barb wrapped presents at the old pharmacy and later worked at Chick-fil-A when it first opened. My first job was Chick-fil-A, and, then, Su & I worked together at Wills Book Store ~85-86. Oh, and let's not forget World Bazaar. For a long time,
half my house was decorated in crap that I got from the 3 or 4 months of working there.

I remember eating at K&W on Sundays after church and walking through the mall on the heels of my patent leather shoes and smacking my feet down just to hear the snap that my shoes would make. All the stores were closed of course. Well, all of them except for the pharmacy. It was Sunday, after all.

I remember getting "lost" in Penney's on several occasions and crying cuz I couldn't find Mom....only to find her with some nice saleslady's help 1 or 2 rows over. To this day, Mom would be naked if it weren't for Penney's (and Belk's). Thank goodness, it's staying put.

I remember Record Bar where I bought my first vinyl album, "Adam and the Ants". Damn, I'm sure that most if not all of the albums in my brother's HUGE old collection came from that place.....Zeppelin..Emerson, Lake, & Palmer...Moody Blues....

I remember the old pet store where Chick-fil-A is (was). I wanted that chow dog so much that I was saving my pennies in the Cooties game box. Seemed like a good enough place.

I remember the old Woolworth's. I always thought it was weird that they had grocery store shopping carts. Found out today that my cubical neighbor at work used to work there.

I remember stupid old Joey that I worked with at Chick-fil-A trying to kiss me out of the blue in the freight elevator when we went to take out trash when I was 16. Ick.

I barely remember the old hobby shop that had it's store front where the cookie store later appeared. As you walked in the mall entrance down that hall that later became the food court, there were display boxes of stuff imbedded in the wall that the hobby shop had to sell.

If I had a nickel for every Scotty dog or every K&W jello cube that I have eaten, I'd be rich.

Farewell, dear North Hills. You will live on in my heart!

Wow!

It's been a whole year since I first bared my belly and danced at my first hafla.

I remember being so scared and so sure that I wasn't ready to dance in front of people. I remember feeling so unsure about the choreography. I remember feeling so daring for wearing a choli. Of course, everything went WONDERFULLY. My parents, 3 dear friends, and my boyfriend all came to support me. Dad still calls me a "hootchie cootchie dancer", but at least I know that he's just kidding.

After 11 mos of dancing, I was asked to join a local troupe which has been quite challenging. I haven't given up yet though. I guess that it would have been nice to come into a troupe where the exisiting members took you under their wings for a while. Not this troupe! I've been expected to act as an equal to my troupe sisters, and that's where the challenge comes in. I'm giving it my best shot for sure.

Random thoughts: Nikki went to the vet last week, and ALL her blood tests came back fine....which is awesome for a 16 year old furpuss. On the work front, I met all my objectives for my quarterly bonus! YIPEE!!! Yesterday, Andrew & I hung rich burgandy red draperies in the computer room to help block out the sun since he'll be working from home in his new job. Oh, and I went to a scary movie Friday night. Yep, me! "House of 1001 Corpes" could have been worse for a non-scary-movie-watching person. No bad dreams yet.

What is one of the loudest noises that you've ever heard?

What events in your life have scared you to death?

Well, I do believe that I had the @#$% scared outta me by one of the loudest noises that I've ever heard, this morning around 4:45am. Yep, I was jolted outta my sleep by what sounded like a transformer exploding below our bedroom window or by something being struck by lightening just below our bedroom window. I thought we were being bombed by Iraq. Honest. I know that may sound funny to your wide-awake mind (chances are you are more awake reading this that I was at 4:45am this morning, right?), but I was scared out of my wits and my first thought was that it was a bomb. There was a flash of white light & a horrendously loud boom. My whole insides seemed to shake, and the sound of the "bomb" could be heard reverberating for some time. Immediately, I sat up and called Andrew's name.

"What was that?", I asked. Oddly enough, he was wide awake as well and had heard it too. A car alarm was going off, and, shortly, thereafter, a fire truck arrived & a police car. Andrew looked out the front door and saw that they were across the parking lot near the end of our building and another building. Sleepily, we were satisfied that the "bomb" must have been somehow related to the fierce thunderstorm that was kicking up speed overhead.

We went back to bed. I don't know how I went back to sleep. Honestly. I was on the verge of tears because in an instant I was so afraid. Isn't that a sign of the times? At 4:45am, I wake up and think we're being bombed.

Andrew & I watched the president's news conference tonight. First, I'll say this: I don't like Bush's politics, but I like him as a man. I think he is a good man, regardless of whether or not I agree with him. I truly believe that he doesn't want to go to war. He wants SH to disarm. However, as Bush said, SH has had 12 years to disarm. Why the heck do we think he will now?

I am not a supporter of war. I think it's sad that we can't settle our differences peacefully. "Why can't we all just get along?" said my mom. I know that it's idealistic, but I feel the same.

My brother is a major in the army, and I support him 100%. I was just shy of 23 when he was sent to the Gulf War in '90. I really don't know how my family made it through the ~6 mos that he was gone. It made me sick to my stomach to think of where he was and why....and how there was the chance that he might not come home. Thankfully, he did.

I can't fathom how I'll feel if my brother gets sent over there this time. I'm older & wiser & more scared.

There are few people that even know where the following quote comes from. I came across the email that contained it and felt like posting it for eternity. It still tickles me.

**************************************************************************************

A wanderer of the night, the Dwarf Eppauletted Fruit

Bat eyes a plump fig. A Wanderer of the Night,

the DwarfEppaulettedFruitBat

eyes

a

plump

fig.

I want a bat. ^..^

-Name withheld to protect the innocent

So I'm sitting at my computer today at work, and I open a bottle of Diet Coke that I just bought from the machine. It makes the most wonderful sound. (How's that for marketing, huh?)

Anyway, I suddenly thought of what Andrew was telling me that other day that Thich Nhat Hanh said in his book "Peace is Every Step". Thich (who is a world-renowned Zen master, spritual leader, and author) told of taking, on a regular basis as a kid, 3 hours to eat a cookie.......just so he could savor the experience. Hmmm. For some reason, the story of Thich's slow cookie eating came to me today, and I took an hour to enjoy my Diet Coke. First, I smelled it and enjoyed the feeling of the fizz hitting my nose. Hee.

I'm thinking that I've been a little too busy lately and that I need to slow the hell down.............

Ta-Da!!!

Snad is back!! :D

I've tried to post a few times in the past few months, but nothing ever went through due to error 503. Whatever. Decided to change my template today and---presto!---my blog is working again. Like the kitty? =^..^=

I've been superbusy lately with my bellydancing. I joined a troupe in October, and it's been nutz ever since. I still really like dancing. It fullfils me in a way that I would never have expected.

I danced yesterday with a few dance sisters at the peace rally/march. Our banner said "Bellydancers for peace & justice". We created quite a stir, of course. We were thrilled to find some drummers to drum for us so we shimmied our muffins off.

My brother is a major in the Army, and I've always been proud of him and always will be. I support him and the rest of our troups 100%. They are just doing their jobs. However, I wish that we could solve this without war.

My favorite sign from yesterday: "The word "War" begins with Dubya."

Peace, y'all.....

Comments: snadolicious@yahoo.com

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous
circumstances, would have lain dormant.

-- Horace 65-8 B.C.


And, with that, folks, I am back. :)

I'm not dead. I promise. I guess my focus just ain't on blogging these days. :D

I will get around to blogging the NY trip. I simply HAVE to. I can't forget any of the details of that trip. First installment this weekend. I swear. If not, I'm erasing this post.

No words are fit for today. I just can't believe that it's been a year.

Stay tuned. I will be blogging soon about Andrew's & my trip to NY last weekend. Amazing.

Quick update:

The fog has lifted. After ~ 4 days, I feel myself again. Looking forward to the weekend. I have several fun plans in the workings.

Also, I've found more info online about PMS-y symptoms and hypothyroidism. (Silly thyroid. What am I going to do with you?)

More later...

I swear, what the hello-pete is wrong with me?

I spend so much of my days riddled with anxiety and worry. I'm thinking that this is a relatively-new, serious problem for me. Please, let me know if you think otherwise. Honest. I'm curious.

In years past, I've never thought of myself as a worrier. My mom has the corner on the market in that area in my family. However, I've definitely declined in the area in, oh, I'd say, about the past 2 years or so. In my defense, some of it comes from my perfectionistic (is that a word?) tendencies and some comes from my undeniable desire to be viewed as a good person.

Curious what kinds of things tug at my brain? Here's one of the biggest things on the current list:

Lately, I seem unable to keep in touch with all the folks in my life. I have always prided myself in being a person that never lets go of friends, regardless of where life's road took them. I wrote letters, made phone calls, sent cards, & shot emails to folks all over. I don't like to lose people who ever mattered in my life. These days, I've let a precious college friend down because I haven't been to see her nor her new baby that was born in September. In fact, I haven't even spoken to her in months. Meanwhile, I don't talk to my closest friends on the phone much anymore. I miss my old roommate who is in Indiana, but I haven't even dialed her number. I haven't seen some of my other girlfriends in weeks or even months. And there's my dear woodworking friend! And my college buddy who throws the best parties! I am so out of touch. There have been new relationships, passing flings, almost breakups, new jobs, lost jobs, & maybe even broken fingernails for which I've just been on the sidelines. I used to be a better friend than this, didn't I? What's wrong with me? Yeah, life changes, people change.....we're all busy. However, I don't feel OK about it. I feel that I'm letting people down.....that I should be somewhere that I'm not.......that I should have called when I didn't. No, I haven't had the best health in the past year or so. I'm getting a handle on some of it, but some of it continues to challenge me daily. I'm tired of it.

Am I depressed again, I worry. Should I call my therapist? Or should I call my thyroid doc or the gyno or the general practitioner? Why can't I just relax? Is this all in my head, or are there really folks out there genuinely hurting because of me?

I know that my life has changed in the past year. I met the man of my dreams, and we moved in together just last month. We are so happy. I don't know how, but he knows just what to say when I'm freaking. I just hate that I do this to him........freak out, that is. He shugs it off, but he is so good to me that I wish that I was more....um, balanced.

Today, I chose to stay home from work because I hadn't read the paper in days, and I wanted to stay up late last night, and I needed to wash clothes, and I wanted to do exactly what *I* wanted to do. Mental health day, I guess, and I haven't had one in a long time. I have struggled for the past day or so to not just crawl in bed and cry. It just concerns me that things get to me like they do. I get SO overwhelmed by just general life stuff. I create this pressure within myself. No wonder I have IBS and migraines. So....maybe if I type a few things here, I'll feel better today.

Ms Carrboro, I miss you and I'm so happy that you found a job. Let's just you and me get together soon and get drunk.

Ms Indiana, I took out the recycling today and missed our old apartment. I think of you more than the numbers of emails that I send.

Ms BellydancingSister, I miss shaking my rump with you and hope all is well with the new roomie.

Ms AngelicFace, we still need to celebrate your birthday, just us two.

Ms MarriedOne, how long has it been? I miss you and Mr MarriedOne.

Ms Buffy, what I would do to be sitting on your porch sipping a nice glass of wine enjoying the lake and some Blossom Deary.

Mr Woodworker, I hear you have a roommate. What a deal soul, you are! I miss always being the first one to the bar with you.

Grandma, I'll call you soon.

***And, to all my other friends here and abroard in Philly & UK & Saudia Arabia, hello to you. I value your friendship too.***

For the record, I emailed that old college buddy to soften the shock of my calling her soon...............................

I'm trying. Sometimes, I just need to calm down and do one thing on my "list". I might read this post later and cringe because I poured out so much, but
that's me so I'm going to hit "post" now.

Love to all, snad

Aren't you glad that you aren't an earthworm?

I feel so sorry for the little fellas. As I walk across the parking lot at work, I see many fried worms on the sidewalk and asphalt. Aren't you glad that in your daily travels you don't *accidentally* find yourself in the middle of a freaking frying pan? Gees. What a way to go! I managed to save an earthworm the other day. Yep---I reached down, plucked him off the
sidewalk, and slung him in the grass. He must have been thinking "wtf?".

Note to my loyal readers: Thanks for your patience......and for your continued belief that I would post again. I will post an update later. I just had to start somewhere.

This is my last weekend in my favorite apartment ever, and that's not a slam to my former roommates and the places that we lived. I just really felt a connection to this old place, and I'll miss it.

So last night while Andrew was spending time with his mom who's in town, I enjoyed a quiet Friday night with Nikki. I talked on the phone a bit, made some lists of things-to-do, surfed the belly dancing sites, etc. About 9pm, I realized that I had never eaten so I decided to call in a take out order to my favorite middle eastern deli. Mmmmm. A fattoush salad & halloumi cheese, and I decided to try a side order of foule. Oh, and let's don't forget my burma dessert. YUM!

After picking up the food, I decided to get a six pack so I stopped at my favorite convenience store in the same shopping center. I got a parking space right in front, hopped out of the car, took about 3 steps, and................there *he* was. My most recent ex whom I haven't laid eyes on in 5 years and 2 months. He was inside the store shopping. My body went on autopilot cuz I don't remember even thinking about my next steps. I did a 360 and got right back in the car. It was then that I realized that my heart was racing and I was shaking. I moved the car across the parking lot and watched until he & some woman (probably his wife) came out the door.

Yep. It was him....and he looked like Grisly Adams. No lie. I mean, when I dated him, his hair was long, and he grew a beard at one point, but, holy cow, he was all hair last night. I watched them as they made their way down the sidewalk to the stairs and disappeared. Then, I went in the store and bought my 6 of my new favorite beer Blue Star and took myself on home.

Upon reflection, I know that my reaction was purely a "fight or flight" response. Well, baby, I flew!!!! Man, he is #2 on my list of never want to see you again. It wasn't that I looked bad last night either. I just don't care to exchange uncomfortable pleasantries with a man who BROKE MY HEART IN TWO while his wife stands by his side wondering who the heck I am. Ugh. Ugh.

Actually, I see it as sort of neat-o closure too. I mean, I'm done with him. I have been for about 2 years, but I find it sort of poetic that I finally see him after allllllllll this time, and I'm just getting ready to move in with a man who *does* love me & who *does* want to marry me & who *doesn't* mind meeting my family.

My dad was probably right. He'll "probably never amount to much".

Hi! I'm Snad. Remember me??? :^)

Thanks to my trusty readers who check this site every day. ....even though I haven't written in almost a month! I'm still averaging only 3 hits per day so I'd better get on the stick if I don't want to lose my audience!!!

A lot has been going on lately, the biggest of which is Andrew & I are moving in 2 weeks. Yep. Snad is shacking up. We found a new, 2 bed/2 bath apt that should be able to accomodate us, our stuff, the ferrets, and a geriatric cat. Needless to say, there will have to be some adjustments for us all, but I know that Andrew & I are meant to be so it'll all work out. It has too, dammit.

Speaking of ferrets: of course, we miss our ferretgirl Serina terribly. Sometimes, I'll be just doing my thing and something will remind me of her, and I'll just break down crying. Well, that's grief, isn't it? Kicks you in the butt when you least expect it.

Our ferretboys have adjusted well, I think, to Serina's absence. They have grown very close, and their antics are a great source of entertainment for Andrew & I. In fact, Max just figured out how to get outta his cage so I gotta go.

More later...........

Don't feel much like blogging. There's too much to say, and I don't feel like saying much of anything. Andrew & I lost our ferretgirl Serina on Friday night in a horrible accident. It all happened so fast, but it was unfortunately too late for us to do anything. She was gone. I was reminded how permanent death is. Seems silly, but I actually kept expecting the nightmare to end........and I still am but it hasn't.

Rest in peace, our dear sweet baby girl Serina. We had you only 5 months, but it seemed like so much longer. (Technically, she belonged to Andrew, but we consider all our animals to be joint-owned.) I will never forget the fact that it was Serina who presented me with my first Mother's Day card ever signed by her, Max, & Gandalf.

She was precious, and I'd do anything for her to bite my ankle again.

A quick search online yields the fact that snad is actually a Czech word.

Here's an online translator page and some definitions.......

snad = I dare say

snad = I daresay

snad = possibly

snad = perhaps

snad (nárecne) = happen

snad (zast.) = haply

snad (zast.) = perchance

snad (zvlášte USA) = maybe

So if you say, "I dare say, Snad!", you're being redundant.

Comments??? snadolicious@yahoo.com..........

Nineteen years. Wow. It has been nineteen years.......

Wednesday, April 27, 1983.......I was 15 and in the 9th grade. Ironically, it started off as a good day. Mom & I had recently gone shopping, and I had on my new white cotton pants and a mostly hot pink but also teal & white striped shirt. A very hip 80s outfit.....especially for me. I wasn't one of the popular kids. In biology in 1st period, even that stupid ole boy that paid so much attention to my beautiful friend Alissa told me that I looked nice that day. After school, my best friend Blaire & I laid out, and, then, I put on white shorts with my new "mostly hot pink but also teal & white striped shirt" and went to Wednesday night church.

A little history here: I was raised Southern Baptist and when I was a teenager was very active in the youth group. My friends & I were always doing something church-related (bible study, choir, retreats, handbells, musicals, mission trips, etc.) . So....on Wednesday nights, Mom & I would go to dinner at the church, and, then, to various activities.

So on this particular Wednesday night nineteen years ago, I was going through the serving line with my best friend at church, Jennifer. I remember I was holding a plate of beef tips on rice and getting my lemonade while church announcements were being made. Our associate pastor uddered the words that are burned in my memory:

"There's been a tragedy today; Tim Schlagenhauf was killed."

I don't remember how I made it through the next few minutes. I think that I went in to shock standing right there with my beef tips on rice & lemonade. Jennifer took the plate and cup outta my hands and somehow I ended up in the kitchen where my Mom was helping serve dinner. I remember screaming. Loud.

You see, I was in love with Tim, as much as a fifteen year old girl can be. I had taken him to my 8th grade Spring Dance and to the Sadie Hawkins dance just 3 mos prior to his death. We never kissed, and he never even held my hand. At church, we were buddies. He & his best friend Randy used to call me Lady Di and pick on me like teenaged boys do. The day that we buried Tim, his mom told me that he had really liked me but didn't want to be tied down. This probably was the first time that I learned that "COMMITMENT" is stamped on my forehead in invisible ink that only men can read. Even when I was 15, I came across as a girl that you settle down with.

Nineteen years.....and I'm still crying. I don't cry because I wish that I was with Tim now. I love Andrew with all my heart, and I don't wish away a moment that I've spent with him. When I cry, I cry for the fifteen year old girl whose heart was broken clean in two and who learned about death & grief in a way that would scar her for the rest of her life. I cry because I never kissed him. I cry because I never took a chance to tell him how I felt. Yeah, he knew, but I risked nothing really. I can be thankful that I took him to those dances. I have great pictures of us all dressed up. Me, trying so hard to look like Lady Di.

I wonder *how* exactly that Tim's death shaped who I am. Does it explain why I fear the death of those I love so much? Is it why I always wanted a younger man so statistically he wouldn't die before me? Could it possibly explain why I lie in bed worried that someone that I love will die and that I've left something unsaid? I wonder....

Anyway, I should drop his parents a note some time. I usually write to them around this time or at the holidays......just so they know that I haven't forgotten their son and I never will.